Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Reflections....for your benefit

Hey guys! I guess you'd realize by now that I'm officially back on the blogging wagon (which would be to the utter dismay of my parents).

Yeah well, I guess all of you might just want to hear what's going on in my life than just the stories and poems and those short cheerful updates I've been posting to appease you. But it's been a lot; and some things I'd rather keep it between myself and God.

However, you do want an update about ME. And I do owe you that much, especially to those who faithfully check on this little pilgrim's progress in life.

Well. Where to begin. Hm.

I've just been looking back at all my posts and I realized how much I have changed since last year. There's no better way to see how much you've changed by looking at how you do what you loved...in my case, it's writing. I think I like the change. I'm not so reckless, so unpredictable. I think I'm beginning to control myself better, think through things more. I'm actually writing drafts, notes, the framework before penning down a story. I never did that before.

Suffice it to say that God has been molding me throughout last year, despite the mistakes I've made. 2009 was a challenging year for me, and I think that it has made a permanent mark on my character, my standards and my outlook of life. I've grown to be more responsible, more mature and less....stupid =). 2009 taught me a lot about words and actions, decisions and consequences. I think I can safely say that dNA helped in that as well; what with the ultimate question (how then shall we live?) in my mind and the constant encouragement from godly friends (BTW, thanks a lot)

I've also made terrible choices along the way. Choices that led to disaster in my personal life, in my relationship with certain friends, and especially in my relationship with God. I think it was because of the sudden burdens that were trust towards me. Suddenly, I was responsible for many many people. My words could be commands, my actions a powerful example that will not only define who I am but also the people I represent. It was a scary thought. I believe it made push myself to higher levels of maturity, but it also......well I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but the closest I could get was that I lost myself in all those responsibilities instead of relying on God's strength and purpose. At night, I scrutinised every word I said, every action I took; checking to see whether I've failed in my responsibilities, berating myself bitterly when I did instead of placing it in God's hands and letting Him handle it. In time, I forgot what I was truly busy for; WHO I was truly busy for.

Yeah it was a battle last year, battling myself, my need to feel that I'm worthy. And I always fell short. Because I am NOT worthy. At all. It's God who made us worthy, without Him we are nothing. I am a child from Adam, and that, as Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia said to Prince Caspian, "that is enough to raise the head of the lowest beggar, and to lower the head of the highest ruler" ........now why did I use that quote? I don't know. ==

That's the short story. The main thing I've learnt through the whole of last year (it didn't happen at the end of the year, it was more of an ongoing thing....argh! difficult to explain, again) was that I desperately needed God, for I'm nothing without Him. And despite relying on my strength, He had listened to all my half-hearted prayers, and when I truly cried in despair, He held me up. I think I'm beginning to see that God's love....is beyond anything and somehow it's constantly growing. As Aslan again once said, "As you grow bigger, so do I" (well it was something along those lines). I comprehend that I will never begin to comprehend the vastness of God's love.

If you're wondering what I was doing during the whole of December until now, I was actively reviewing my life in 2009; because of the drastic changes I felt in myself. I was on a sabbatical of sorts - just reviewing and reflecting on my life, praying and talking to God, getting my private world in order (still am...probably will take my whole life too..LOL), wondering about the future. For those who had the chance to intercept it (especially dNA-ers, since dNA was the beginning of my 'sabbatical'), thanks for the words of encouragement and allowing me to go moody(I think I was staring a bit too much for comfort right??) and also for picking up the phone to message or answering my calls late at night or allowing me to visit you just to rant. I also apologize if my reflective state has hurt anyone (there're no mountains or caves to go to you see, and my family would freak if I did anyways) and also for the time before the holidays when I was really feeling down....it was purely unintentional. So sorry for not being more cheerful.

Oh and I'm still reflecting, though it has toned down a bit. Now I'm just thinking about the next step.

And my mom wants me to cook so I can't write a nice elegant ending for this....kinda saved me as I do NOT know how to end this. I guess I just hope that the little I've revealed here would help those who were hurt by me last year to understand what I was going through...and also...well hopefully you'd have learnt something from this ranting. Hm.

Cutlets for dinner. =)

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