Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Indecisive, or cautious?

I’ve realized that I’m indecisive.

Take this as an example: I was invited out for an outing with my friends today. Most people would have given a “yes” or a “no” quite immediately. I took the whole day. Why?

My first reaction was a no, for reasons that you’d soon see below. However, I changed my mind around 10p.m. So I asked around and soon transportation wasn’t a problem. So I considered it for a bit longer, and decided I would go. Now, I turned to my parents for permission.

For those who don’t understand how my mind works (which makes all of you), I only ask for parental approval AFTER I’ve approved of it myself. For me, I feel that if I don’t want it, why ask? However, this form of decision making isn’t that effective because if my parents should disapprove, I’d be disappointed simply as I’ve already decided on going. And most of the time their immediate reaction to my disappointment is annoyance as they feel that I simply want my way. Which is true of course, but … not quite so true either as I’d felt that I’ve made a careful decision. It’s complicated.

Anyway, my parents were reluctant to approve. Scratch that. They disapproved. Scratch that again. It wasn’t parents, it was parent- my mom. My dad doesn’t really mind. But they disapprove everything the first time they hear it so…well. But in the end she approved, only because my face would be “a mile long” the next day if they didn’t. Which led me to feel annoyed because I’m not that petty. Which then led me to want to not go to prove to her that I can go around without that “a mile long” face. Which then led me to think who am I really thinking of when I make these decisions-myself? My friends? My family?

And thus here I am, at around 1 in the morning, trying to decide on whether I should go on a simple outing with friends. I made a list on why I should go for the outing:
1. It’s been awhile since I’ve been with my friends, and it’s going to be increasingly more difficult to get together next time.
2. This is different from the normal activities that I’m usually tied to (help mom, go PBS, go online, cook, sleep). I’m getting a bit tired of the mediocrity.
3. It is getting noisy in the house. I’m beginning to lose it.
4. Unlike the normal outings, we’re not going to watch a movie or such. So, not much money is going to be spent/wasted.
5. I can have the rare opportunity to buy books from MPH, and also a few gifts for birthdays that are coming. Ooh, and Mother’s day is coming up isn’t it?
6. I’m not doing the things that I want to do, so there’s really no point in staying at home saying that I would do them when I don’t. I might just be so panicky/inspired when I come back that I may actually start doing them.
7. I already have parental approval (albeit reluctantly).

To be fair, I did another list on why I shouldn’t go:
1. It actually has not been awhile since I’ve seen my friends. I saw quite a number of them during gala, and the last time we had the usual movie outing was in March. And it isn’t impossible to get together sometime in September or December or something.
2. Although it is a break from the norm, it may still be a waste of time as compared to helping mom, going PBS, going online, cook and sleep.
3. It is noisy in the house. I should try to help mom tolerate it.
4. We’re going to go Jusco, so either way money is going to be spent/wasted.
5. Buy books? When I don’t even have an allowance? Am I crazy? (ok, that was a rhetorical question)
6. I’m not doing the things that I want to do, which is EXACTLY why I should stay home and get them done, instead of blowing away another day!
7. The obtained parental approval was RELUCTANT.

It is during these frustrating hours that I just wish I didn’t join the debate team. I’m rebutting myself!

“Ok, close your eyes and pretend your parents and friends don’t exist. Which would you choose? Go or don’t go?”
“I can’t do that! My friends do exist! My parents do exist! I can’t just wipe them off! Besides, my FRIENDS invited me.”
“Fine, what would Jesus do?”
“….I don’t think He had such a petty dilemma.”


Yes, I need to get a life.

Finally, I decided to not go based on these points: “Must I go for everything my friends invite me to?” and “I do have things that I want done, even if I don’t get them done, at least I’ve once again, pathetically tried to get them done.” So I sent the host of the event an apology note to say I won’t be coming.

Then, I found that since this was such a frustrating situation, it would be somehow fun for me to post this for your entertainment.

But now, after writing this whole thing out, I’ve changed my mind yet again, based on these points: “I don’t go for everything my friends invite me to, just those that I find sensible (well, ok, not exactly sensible..we’re not the sensible type) and convenient (transport provided, no fuss involved, etc.) and “They’re friends! I helping in the chores everyday, I don’t think I should feel guilty when I take a day off to let loose” and “Again, I’m not getting what I want done anyway”. More importantly, I’ve just realized-Mothers’ Day IS next week.

Hence, the motion that this house believes that Hannah should go for her friends’ outing tomorrow is approved.

Observe, that this was just a simple decision. Now, think about the times I had to decide whether to do arts or science stream, or signing up to be a prefect (as I recall, I took a year to decide since the offer at Form 1), or deciding to go into education. Don’t you think I make life difficult for myself?

I admit, I think too much. Unfortunately, I think about the petty things more that what’s really important. But I would ponder on this some other time. Now, I need to sleep. And message the organizer once AGAIN to tell him I’m going.

Later the next morning, I decided not to go for the picnic, BUT to join them at jusco after helping out at PBS. Which pleased my mom, my friends and myself (I went on a shopping spree for books! ^^). So perhaps, this isn’t being fickle-minded, but being extremely careful and thoughtful?

Yeah right. I kid myself.

Anyway, you now have a long post about my funny life, instead of stories eh? Enjoy. I think.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Perfect Strangers

I charged up the stairs as the noise above told me what I already knew: I was late. Chagrin swept over me-didn’t I commit myself to be earlier for this?

I reached the meeting area, and scanned the room for an empty seat. Everyone was on their feet-the games had started. I continued surveying the room, trying to find an avenue to blend in.

That’s when I saw you.

It was only for a second before the sea of other faces swallowed up your face again, but it inexplicably attracted my instant attention. I knew I was going to be rudely staring at you for the rest of the day. And I was right. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. All throughout the meeting, and even when we headed down for refreshments later, I stole as many glances as I could, examining your face, observing and analyzing your every reaction.

Who are you? I thought to myself. I was embarrassed and ashamed. This would be the third time something like this has happened. I’m beginning to be such an immature girl, with selfish thoughts and ridiculous hopes. However at the same time I was hopelessly curious about this new being that caught my attention so effortlessly. What draws me to you? Is it your smile? Your laugh? The way you fill up the room and make conversations with strangers with absolute ease? At any rate, you have succeeded in intriguing me with your personality. More importantly, I am filled with the overwhelming presumption that I should know you. That I have met you somewhere, talked to you before. You are unbearably familiar. Why?

I smile to myself as I recall the other times when I was hopelessly caught up with perfect strangers just like you. Strangers, who for some reason, catch my eye before I even know their name. I hear you introduce yourself to other enthusiastic girls, who unlike me, know how to deal with a catch when they see one. But in my eyes you are not just a catch. This is more than just teenage hormones. At least I think so. I don’t think the other young girls feel the same pull I have for you. This more of feeling...like you are a kindred spirit, like there's something only both of us would understand.

Samuel, you reply. That’s a nice strong name. But it eliminates any notion that I’ve met you before. Then again, people change, right? So Samuel what? What’s your name? Who are you, really?

Then I think to myself, shouldn’t I ask? Why not? I’ve been staring like a stalker at you for the past two hours, have you noticed me yet? Have you realized what a freak I am? Or are you completely oblivious at how you have transformed the entire afternoon for me? I don’t blame you. Compared to the other people you’ve met, I’m certain I’m just plain...well, plain to you. And yet, still, I plot in my mind. Maybe I could just step in line with the rest of the other hopeful girls, wait for my turn to introduce myself. Maybe I’ll ask for a phone number I would never call, an email address that I would never use. But that wouldn’t be right. I wanted more than just an introduction; I wanted a conversation with you. I wanted to know everything about you. Sadly, I don’t have the guts. I’m less than these other hopefuls around me, because immature as they are, at least the have the courage to step up and face you, be it for the wrong motives. I, however, am a pathetic coward.

So I sit, and I plan without action, and stare, wishing you would stare back, dreading that you would. I sit and wonder what you’re thinking, when your friend slaps your back, when this girl giggles at her good fortune of being right in front of you. I sit and watch, taking as much of you in as I can.

All too soon, it is time for you to go. I step outside, away from the noise, trying to rearrange my incoherent thoughts. And suddenly, you’re here right next to me, talking to your friend, asking which car you’re going back in. Here you are, giving me one last chance to know your name, and more perhaps.

My one last chance to do something, to act towards this instinct that I have for you, to change this ending that is so similar to the few that I’ve had.

I reach out my hand, and stretch it slowly, slowly towards you. I pause, and take in a breath.

And then I let you go. You turn away, leaving a gust of breeze in your wake.

I follow you with my eyes as you drive away, disappearing out of my life forever. I smile to myself sadly.

Many girls have told me about their numerous occasions of being attracted to random, so called “hot” (what a teenage word!) boys. I, on the other hand, have only had this twice so far in my life. Whether it is a blessing or a curse, I do not know. All I know is, it is better for me and for you to let it go. To let you go. Because, for some reason, I know I’m not ready. Not ready for you, or for anyone else just yet. It would be terribly selfish of me to hurt you just to get instant gratification. It would be wrong for me to act on a whim and so have the risk of letting you down, and hating myself in the process.

I could easily convince myself that all I want is to know you, but I know how little control and prudence I would have as time goes by, as my romantic imaginations get the better of me. No, it is better this way, to have a clean slate, to not complicate things, to avoid playing with temptation. Is it me being ridiculous and rejecting love at first sight? I don’t think so. Firstly because I don’t think this is love at all, and secondly what I want most is to keep people I care about (whether I know them or not) safe. And where this would head is definitely not safe. Is it my conscience? I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that it’s me being wise. That I’d not regret this decision. And I don’t think I do.

Still, this would be one of those big what-ifs I have in my life. But, because I care about you, would I have it any other way?

You are a perfect stranger. I think it's best to leave it that way.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Hear my song

i play my song
my simple song
for the world to hear

it's not a symphony
it's just a simple melody
for the world to hear

but can you hear me
can you hear me play?
do you believe me
and this song i play?

this is the song of my heart
my desire
just to lay my life
on the alter
to bring Him praise
to lift up His name
so the world may hear
of Him alone

i wish i can play
a better song
for the world to hear

i wish i can play
a perfect song
for the world to hear

but all my mistakes
create something beautiful
can you hear me play
my simple song?

this is the song of my heart
my desire
just to lay my life
on the alter
to bring Him praise
to lift up His name
so the world may hear
of Him alone

Can you hear me play?
can you hear my song?
the simple song i've been given
by the Maker of all?

this is the song of my heart
my desire
just to lay my life
on the alter
to bring Him praise
to lift up His name
so the world may hear
of Him alone

I just want the world
to hear
the song Jesus gave me.

-let me be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear, Lord..-

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Uh oh.

My JPA interview's tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect.

And my blog is getting a bit crappy i think. I'm blogging this post on Tuesday, April 6th, but it shows a different date.

does anyone know how to fix that?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Holy Guitars...

Decided to check out urbandictionary.com for no reason and saw this:

air guitar:
An ancient art that originated after God wanted to rock out but had no electric guitar on hand. He realised how sweet a thing he had just created so he wanted to pass it down onto man when man had no axe to rock with. This talent was given to man, by God, through Jesus. Jesus showed the world the ineffable art of air guitar during his ressurection. Jesus was radiating with a bright white light because he was rocking so hard.

The art of the air guitar was thus written down in the Bible and succesfully passed on to man. The practice of air guitar since it's inception has been shown throughout the history of the world. Jesus is discretely air guitaring in the famous painting The Last Supper in the Galleria Borghese, Rome.

On and on has this holy tradition gone. It is kept alive by generations of rockers young and old. If you are listening to a really sweet guitar solo and you have no real guitar to emulate the action of rocking, pick up your hands, put them in position, and rock and roll all night.

Remember...rock on.
Adam was listening to Communication Breakdown by Led Zeppelin and it was nearing the kickass guitar solo. But he had no guitar. So he took matters into his own hands. He played air guitar and never stopped rocking.


What the-? XD

And this one's interesting too...

WWJT:
What Would Jesus Text
Text Messaging Etiquette - Do not pass text messages that ruin other people's reputation. Stop and think " WWJT"
~Now that's nice. WWJT indeed. One wonders...


Thursday, April 1, 2010

V for Vendetta's followers

Ok, actually it's just one follower la.

Went to watch V's speech to Evey, since a friends asked me to. Which is this, for those who don't know what I'm talking about.






So below that video was this comment:
SolidSnakeRules: Perfect! Powerful Protagonists' Pontification Pertaining to Peacebringing shall be Preserved Permanently Posthaste. People lack Patience; Pioneers Possess this Predisposition Particularly. If I may Peruse and Perhaps Partake in Participation Personally, I Propose Poison as Proper Procedure for Penalizing and Punishing the Perpetrators of Perfunctory Propaganda Portraying a Pathetic Personification of Power Plaguing our once Prolific and Prosperous Population. I am P, and Playtime has Passed.

So ingenious! So fun to read stuff like that.

No, I'm not going to start writing like that. I will not embarrass myself.

Back to applications...I guess.

Oh and for those who don't know, I'm not at NS typing this. I got exempted. Yup, the shorn sheep is still around. ><

Good day, all.