Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The cafeteria was loud and noisy, choked with bodies and heat. It was then I realized how large and overpopulated this school was, and how alone and foreign I was in that world.
At a corner stood Cedric, standing as he ate. I gave him a shy smile. Cedric was the only one who tried to make friends with me, who knew that I exist. We met in the strangest way, but it was perhaps the best way to realize how similar we were. We were victims of bullying, and we shared the same pain.
Cedric hesitated, and then slowly maneuvered his way to me. But even as he did so, Kevin stuck out his leg. They call Kevin a “jock”, though I never understood that term.
Fries, milk, and all the other food on Cedric’s tray flew in slow motion as he fell to the floor, as I watched with a sense of dread. Not again, I prayed to all the gods I knew. Please, not again. Jeers and laughter filled the room as I stood up, unsure of what to do.
“Like that, kid?” Kevin sneered as he kicked Cedric down into the mess on the floor.
Anger surged through my veins. Without realizing it, I marched across the room. “You…..stop!” I cried, wishing I could know more of this strange English language to call him some choice names.
I felt a painful grip on my arm as a boy’s face drew close to mine, reeking of tobacco and yesterday’s dinner. I struggled to find a word. “Free me…now!” I finally said, hoping that my voice wouldn’t sound as foolish as I felt.
His girlfriend leered at me over his shoulder, “They really make a pair, don’t they? One can hardly string two words together, the other can barely walk.” My face burned even as I tried to comprehend the words she spoke.
Across the cafeteria, Kevin and some other boys had grabbed hold of Cedric. “Let’s get them together, shall we? Maybe they’ll kiss!” Everybody laughed.
Kiss? I shook my head in bewilderment as I was dragged closer to Cedric, who was struggling to no avail. Everyone started pursing their lips and making sucking noises, jeering and chanting words too fast for me to grasp. But I now understood what was going to happen.
“No!” I screamed, trying to twist myself free, but the result was only a harder, tighter grip on my arm. I swung my free arm in a powerful punch, hitting my captor square in the jaw. His hand released me as he jerked a few paces back.
The laughter faded. My captor regained his balance and shoved me hard to the floor. Stars fielded my vision as I felt my head collide with a bench. I tasted blood in my mouth. My ears ceased to function and for a moment there was a sudden silence.
A warm liquid was seeping into my jeans. I opened my eyes and a mirage of colors flew by. Blinking slowly, I lifted my hand to my face. It was drenched in blood. Terror froze my heart. Was it my blood? Was I dying?
Suddenly, Cedric’s face loomed over me, eyes full of concern. He pulled at my arm and carried me to a chair.
“Are you alright?” he asked. I took a few deep breaths and nodded dumbly. That’s when I saw what he held in his hands. A gun. My vision cleared rapidly and I turned to stare back at him, a growing horror rising from within me. Did he…..?
His sweaty cold hand reached up to my face. “Wait here…I’ll be right back.” He turned and ran out of the cafeteria
I scanned what remained of the cafeteria. Overturned tables, trampled food and blood were everywhere. My ears began to work again and like a radio with the volume turned full blast, terrified screams, haunting moans and gunshots suddenly shattered the silence.
The lumps on the floor, I realized, were bodies. Dead bodies. My captor lay in a pool of blood; I could no longer see his face. It was his blood that drenched my clothes. Slowly I stood up and saw Kevin and the other boy who had held Cedric, also dead. A few others I could no longer recognize lay on the floor as well, soaked in their own blood.
Nausea rose in my throat as I turned away, heaving gasps of shock. My mind was screaming the Chinese phrase “Save life! Save life!”, but I could see that there was no one I could save in this place.My mind reeling, I tried to make sense of the unthinkable. Did Cedric do this? Why? I couldn’t understand. I wanted to run away, far away from this place, but I remained rooted to where I was. Cedric told me to wait. He would explain this. He was the only one I could trust. Maybe it wasn’t him at all, I thought to myself. And so I sat and waited.
How long I waited, I would never know. But finally he returned, the gun still in his hand, drenched in sweat.
I stumbled back a few paces, slipping in the blood. Was he going to kill me? Have I foolishly waited for my death?
“You…kill me?” I finally asked, barely able to breathe.
He looked shocked at what I had said.
“Why? You’re my friend, I wouldn’t do that.” He answered. “You’re the only one who had ever cared for me in this hellhole. Remember the first time we met? You were the only one who stood up to Kevin and his bullies for me. I’m never going to let you go.”
Slowly, I tried to make sense of his words, but only one registered with me. Friend. It had been a long time since I have heard that English word. But I remembered what it meant.
“We’re…friends?” I asked, tears flooding my eyes.
“Yes,” he whispered and took my hand as sorrow suddenly overcame us both.
Amidst the screams, the police sirens, the blood and the dead bodies, two friends sat down and cried.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Firstly, I think I gave the image that I had a terrible 2009. Rest assured that it was the opposite. It was the best year ever. I'm so blessed that God used me to go beyond my boundaries. I've drawn closer to many friends, I've learnt a lot along the way, and I've changed for the better (hopefully). It was just complicated as well....too complex to explain though. Haiz. Suffice it to say that I forgot quite often about abiding in God and thus faced the consequences for it as well as the miracles that followed when I finally turned back to Him. So really, I'm okay.
Secondly, I finally found the word I wanted to find to describe my reflection thingy. It's not that I only figured the whole thing out at the end of the year. I learnt all this as I went along 2009. It was just a moment of concluding, so that I won't forget (hopefully) what I've learnt and experienced. Do you kinda get the picture now? =/
Oh and now I know why I used that Aslan to Prince Caspian quote. It's because of the line that comes after it. "Be content with that". God has made me to be here at this place for His purpose. So to Him, because of His Son Jesus, I am made worthy. Make sense?
Ahh...nevermind. If you don't, just think of it as me ranting and mumbling some nonsense. I don't mind; just wanted to explain myself to you all.
Yeah well, I guess all of you might just want to hear what's going on in my life than just the stories and poems and those short cheerful updates I've been posting to appease you. But it's been a lot; and some things I'd rather keep it between myself and God.
However, you do want an update about ME. And I do owe you that much, especially to those who faithfully check on this little pilgrim's progress in life.
Well. Where to begin. Hm.
I've just been looking back at all my posts and I realized how much I have changed since last year. There's no better way to see how much you've changed by looking at how you do what you loved...in my case, it's writing. I think I like the change. I'm not so reckless, so unpredictable. I think I'm beginning to control myself better, think through things more. I'm actually writing drafts, notes, the framework before penning down a story. I never did that before.
Suffice it to say that God has been molding me throughout last year, despite the mistakes I've made. 2009 was a challenging year for me, and I think that it has made a permanent mark on my character, my standards and my outlook of life. I've grown to be more responsible, more mature and less....stupid =). 2009 taught me a lot about words and actions, decisions and consequences. I think I can safely say that dNA helped in that as well; what with the ultimate question (how then shall we live?) in my mind and the constant encouragement from godly friends (BTW, thanks a lot)
I've also made terrible choices along the way. Choices that led to disaster in my personal life, in my relationship with certain friends, and especially in my relationship with God. I think it was because of the sudden burdens that were trust towards me. Suddenly, I was responsible for many many people. My words could be commands, my actions a powerful example that will not only define who I am but also the people I represent. It was a scary thought. I believe it made push myself to higher levels of maturity, but it also......well I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but the closest I could get was that I lost myself in all those responsibilities instead of relying on God's strength and purpose. At night, I scrutinised every word I said, every action I took; checking to see whether I've failed in my responsibilities, berating myself bitterly when I did instead of placing it in God's hands and letting Him handle it. In time, I forgot what I was truly busy for; WHO I was truly busy for.
Yeah it was a battle last year, battling myself, my need to feel that I'm worthy. And I always fell short. Because I am NOT worthy. At all. It's God who made us worthy, without Him we are nothing. I am a child from Adam, and that, as Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia said to Prince Caspian, "that is enough to raise the head of the lowest beggar, and to lower the head of the highest ruler" ........now why did I use that quote? I don't know. ==
That's the short story. The main thing I've learnt through the whole of last year (it didn't happen at the end of the year, it was more of an ongoing thing....argh! difficult to explain, again) was that I desperately needed God, for I'm nothing without Him. And despite relying on my strength, He had listened to all my half-hearted prayers, and when I truly cried in despair, He held me up. I think I'm beginning to see that God's love....is beyond anything and somehow it's constantly growing. As Aslan again once said, "As you grow bigger, so do I" (well it was something along those lines). I comprehend that I will never begin to comprehend the vastness of God's love.
If you're wondering what I was doing during the whole of December until now, I was actively reviewing my life in 2009; because of the drastic changes I felt in myself. I was on a sabbatical of sorts - just reviewing and reflecting on my life, praying and talking to God, getting my private world in order (still am...probably will take my whole life too..LOL), wondering about the future. For those who had the chance to intercept it (especially dNA-ers, since dNA was the beginning of my 'sabbatical'), thanks for the words of encouragement and allowing me to go moody(I think I was staring a bit too much for comfort right??) and also for picking up the phone to message or answering my calls late at night or allowing me to visit you just to rant. I also apologize if my reflective state has hurt anyone (there're no mountains or caves to go to you see, and my family would freak if I did anyways) and also for the time before the holidays when I was really feeling down....it was purely unintentional. So sorry for not being more cheerful.
Oh and I'm still reflecting, though it has toned down a bit. Now I'm just thinking about the next step.
And my mom wants me to cook so I can't write a nice elegant ending for this....kinda saved me as I do NOT know how to end this. I guess I just hope that the little I've revealed here would help those who were hurt by me last year to understand what I was going through...and also...well hopefully you'd have learnt something from this ranting. Hm.
Cutlets for dinner. =)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
This is a small part of a story I'm beginning to write; you could say that it'd be a project. I did this because I wanted to finally let it out from my head, and also because of the encouragement of a close friend. I think you'll see why I was reluctant to write this down. But I hope you will not assume that I'm becoming violent or emo or whatever. =) And no this was not because of Criminal Minds either. Please tell me what you think.
I looked back to the two of my friends on the remaining horse. We had what we wanted, but we needed to get out, now, unless we wanted to pay with our lives. The gate of the castle ground was closing swiftly. I turned again to see the vast army of trained Trackers charging at us. I knew that we would never make it out of the city alive with them at our heels. They needed to be destroyed.
And only I could do it.
Swinging around to look at my comrades, I yelled, “Run!!”
I couldn’t wait for them to see reason. They had to leave, before I kill them. I smacked the horse’s rump as hard as I could. It, at least got the message. They could do nothing but hold on to the charger as it fled through the gates. They were safe, for now.
I felt the bile rise in my throat as I allowed the monster in me take control. I could feel the swell of evil savage joy in my blood as I let down my walls of self-control. I hated myself, but there was no choice. It was this or death.
So I became the beast I was born to be.
Slowly I swindled around gracefully to meet them; my prey. Arrows flew in all directions, and I’m sure that some of them reached their target, but they were nothing to me. This was too easy; it was almost boring. But I haven’t had such fun in such a long time that this, no matter how pathetic, would do.
I analyzed them with a smile on my face. There was a metallic ringing in my ears, a pounding in my veins. I could almost feel the splatter of their blood on my face, see their guts rip apart. I grinned. Too easy.
I laughed when the first of the fools reached me as I grab his chest and tore his heart out. I laughed as the screams began.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Should I go NS? I know I already said I would, but something has made me begin to think twice now.
It's my foot infection. And it's bad. Whenever I wet my feet, they itch then swell and pus and all the disgusting stuff you do not need to know. They are hypotonic, or is it hypertonic? I still mix those two up...haiz.
Anyway. >< They don't take too kindly to water, dirty or not. Which would be a problem as in NS I'm sure I'll get wet. I'd definitely get sweaty. And yes my feet don't like sweat either. Wear my shoes and walk around for too long will make them itch. Even bathing makes them itch...argh. So annoying!
Rats. I totally forgot about that. I guess I don't like to think about it. But I should remember cuz it always happens at prefect camp..only it's only for three days. This is three months...that's very different.
What am I to do? Go for it regardless? Don't go? I do have a valid reason. My feet can get awful in a span of three months. But should I try despite it? Is this some sort of challenge by God? Am I being nuts? I probably won't go. It is that bad. I suppose I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. After all I said abt NS, this is how it turns out?
What do you think? Cuz I'm not so sure now...