Wednesday, November 17, 2010

and this is what it is

I've had it. I've tried and tried to write, but i can't, and i understand why now.

Of late I've been wondering how much i should post up here for the whole world to see. No, the CIA hasn't called me in or anything, neither has the Mafia, but I'm beginning to question how much of my private life i should make public; and how much of myself should i show. Not that I'm a mystery, mind you, but privacy is a precious thing; and sometimes some things should be kept to themselves.

More importantly is the fact that I'm not a good writer. I've been reading Alcott again, and now i understand the difference between "genius and talent", as she says. I won't deny that i may have talent, but genius i lack, and i can't write everything and anything brilliantly. I spent a trying time putting my thoughts together in written form to interest you, and I've come to the conclusion that my head is just not equipped for it. A genius could write anything well, and I'm not one. I can't write deep, philosophical stuff, and it's pointless to look like a fool when anyone else can do a better job than me.

It's rather a blow to my pride and hopes, for writing has always been a joy and i always thought that someday the pen would be my life, but it is a good lesson; and perhaps this was what i was supposed to be taught, aside from biology and mathematics. I can't be a genius; writing non-fiction doesn't suit me, so i won't be a Socrates or Plato. My stories aren't the "stuff of Shakespeare", or anywhere near Dickens and other literary heroes, so i lay my "pen of ambition" down forever.

I won't stop writing; i love it too much, and this blog won't die; for i love to hear your words of wisdom about me. But i won't go around trying to stuff my scribblings with bombastic words, neither would i try to post something about philosophy and deep thinking when I'd make a joke out of it. Simple stories suit me best, I make more sense of myself amongst fantasy and am comfortable there. If you learn something from it, so much the better, but i dare say it was your own deep thinking mind at work.

This is highly amusing and sad to me, for I've always prayed for a cure of my self-ambition and pride, and now I've got it. How can i be ambitious when i know I'm no good? It's a good step to humility, though it isn't pleasant, but by and by i suppose it will be.

This isn't the only lesson I've learnt this year, but I'm off to bury my head in mathematics, it'd be much more useful than crapping here. Another time perhaps. Sorry if this post sounds a bit hurried, but i guess i just like it all out of my system quickly, and well, i don't know what else to say; i'm feeling a bit embarrassed and stupid, actually.

All the best to SPM and STPM students! You'll get through all right, i know.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Rindu ke?

Four days holiday…with minimum homework and no more exams. Yayness.

I guess I can really blog about myself now. I haven’t been doing that, sorry.

Yesterday, I did an assessment on my personality. My entire youth group has been going crazy over it; they all know whether they’re a choleric or sanguine and all that. I didn’t take the test then, so I had no idea what my personality is. I know now though. JCG people who read my blog would be so darn excited. Though I believe they’ve guessed my personality right.

I’m a combination- melancholic and phlegmatic.

Oh wow, I’m a depressed, moody, sensitive nut! I can go be part of the Twilight circus now. (Carolyn-care to join me? LOL)

Why am I telling you this? Good question. But this is to show you the potent power of peer pressure. The youth group has been going on about it for months, and I never found it that big a fuss (that’s the phlegmatic attitude for you). And today, I finally got up and took the trouble to do it because everyone has done it. Well, if they all decide to jump off the cliff someday, I suppose I would move my phlegmatic butt months later to do the same (and is this the pessimist part?).

An educational experience though. I think I enjoyed knowing it. I wonder what happens in the future-would my personality change again? Only time would tell.

About lower six life. I’ve been writing bits and pieces of it when I was free. I suppose, the only way to actually put it all together for myself is to promise you that I’ll post it here. Phlegmatic-ness. You must understand…ha-ha. Ok, I can’t use that lame excuse. I don’t want to be a lazy bum, so I’ll make sure my brains continue to work by combining and summarizing all I’ve written.

I hope I don’t procrastinate, that is both the melancholic and phlegmatic weakness (I’m pushing this too far, no?).

BTW, I really like to thank all of you who have commented on my work here. There’s a reason why I post them up – it is to know what you think about it, how you reacted to it. How did it make you feel? So I love it when you reply. I’ll admit this to you – sometimes I’ve no idea what I’m writing. By you sharing your thoughts, I look at it again in a new light, and I enjoy learning from you. I’d appreciate it more when you tell me why you thought that way. Especially if you hate it – because that means I need improvement. I think I show greater enthusiasm when you disagree, for you will give me a completely different perspective.

Go ahead, love me or hate me. I will be your student.

Happy Deepavali to all who celebrate it…and who doesn’t celebrate the festival of lights? We all need the one true Light of the World.

Shoutout to Priya- I miss your lightsaber!!! Come back soon? And how’s Henry? Or Darcy? =) Also to my adopted salmon mother- the filial adopted daughter (who used to be a salmon too, for the wrong reasons) awaits. I miss you too.