Thursday, May 29, 2014

Draining the reserves

I can feel it, that desperation when you realise every part of you is beeping, screaming "low battery!!" and you still have so much more to work on.

Scratch desperation, this is panic. Contained panic, that will eventually leak out like a poisonous radiation gas and vaporize everything.

I'm getting close to actually believing that I can't do this anymore. I'm not even sure what "this" is. I'm sure I had some sort of clear idea of what all this was perhaps 2 weeks ago?

This redoing people's work.

This trying to juggle too many things.

This making the sacrifice play. Fixing others' messes. Compensating.

This is...

What was all this?

Friday, May 23, 2014

To the unsaid things

This blog could easily be a rant blog, if I permit it.

There's so, so SO many things to rant about in life. If you're a natural pessimist like me, it's instinctive.

I can write 5 essays a day about how the realities of the world want to bring me down.

Or how chocolate eclairs are absolutely gorgeous (yes, positive rants are also possible)

Or why, why WHY is the grass so green. SERIOUSLY.

But if I do that in my blog here, well just look at this entire entry. It's going to be one big fat mess. Life is already a mess, I rather have my blog in a little bit neater.

So sometimes I let it rip on twitter. Or in a vague, random post on facebook.  Sometimes, I don't want to hurt anyone, so I'll just type out the rant and delete it. Sometimes, I don't want to remember the moment at all, so I just refuse to write it anywhere. Words will only etch the moment clearer in my brain, and what's the point of that?

But life, for now, has great moments, but it also can be crappy. So life now is life, after all.

Like how this semester has completely put me off group work. Or seems to convince me that I have to be more selfish, more aggressive, more...I don't know. Angry.  I don't know why people only want to listen to me when I'm some sort of...hardcore mode. The shut-up-and-listen-to-me mode.

....I wrote a long rant after this, but I've deleted it too.

To all the unsaid things in my head, I say.....well, I'm sorry that I can't scream them out as loudly as I want.

But boy, do I want to.

I truly want to. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

the facts are still these

i no longer have any afternoons free.

i want to be a polar bear...or some hibernating creature.

"when the going gets tough, the tough...hibernate."