This was written a year ago, when my final observation was done and my supervisor informed me of my performance in my practical training.
Things have changed since then. Not really, but lately, I'm ... tired.
This was meant to be personal, but I thought of sharing it here. Why? I don't really know. Hopefully others can relate. More importantly, in typing these things, I hope to make sense of myself.
10 October 2015: Beat up teacher night
What a messed up teacher I am. I don't remember all my students' names. I don't know if I've made a true connection with them, or if I was just rushing through the syllabus and worrying about my own performance and FYP too much. I don't know whether I've done any good at all, and I'm sure not all of them are going to perform well during their finals.
I've failed so many.
I can excuse myself and say this is just my first time, I'm not even a real teacher, etc. But the fact is in these four months I'm their influence, their connection to English. Whether I've been a positive or negative one, the impact is there. It has been made and I can't unmake it.
I know I can't live with regrets for the rest of my life. I don't intend to. But I want to remember this moment - the moment when I know I've gotten an A for my practical, and it meant nothing to me. I want to strive ahead and work harder to be a better person, a better teacher, a better influence in my little bubble.
It's not about the grades. It's not about me. This life was never about me. It's about others, no matter the cost.