Wednesday, March 14, 2012

On updating...and new nonsense

Yeah, i've neglected my blog. It's a good thing that i'm mostly addressing a non-existing audience. The reason why i don't blog as much is because i'm trying to find the best thing to blog about. A blog is usually about yr everyday life but i don't really like to do that because i just feel uncomfortable putting up my daily life for ppl to see. It's ...exposing. I don't have anything to hide, but I like privacy.

When I do have a certain event that i think i can write about, it ends up sounding very crappy. So i shove it aside and by the time i perfect it, the event was probably months ago (Perfection and procrastination....remember my personality thing? That's why I don't get a lot of things done on time)

But are you really interested in my life? Let me know. Oh....i just remembered - the rat disection videos. Gosh. Ok, next time then. Check my older posts if you have no idea what i'm talking about.

Anyway, here is something that i wrote out spontaneously. It's a very short and very rough sketch of what I aiming at. Can you understand what i'm trying to say?

Feedback and add-ons are welcome, plagiarizing is not.

(That was an awful introduction. But if I don't put that up, I never will update my blog. Man my writing/blogging/grammar/stuff is crappy. I'll stop now. Enjoy...or not.=\)

Never Enough

I watched the contents of it disappear, swirling in a cleansing flow down the hole that was a mouth. Placed back on my feet again I felt empty, drained.

A few moments passed. I began to feel dry. The remaining dregs stuck clung to me in a stick mess. It was an uncomfortable sensation. If I could, I would squirm. As usual, I tried to think of other things to distract myself from feeling. From knowing.

Because somehow, I feel as if, I'm not supposed to feel. Or to know.

I do anyway. Fate has made it so. If I could feel more, perhaps my...existence would be of more worth. But again, Fate has other ideas. It's always the same feeling: being filled, drenched with heat or with cold, then being slowly emptied.

Being filled and being emptied.

Pause. Wait. Repeat. And again.

Amidst all this sameness, this routine, I began to feel something else. I began to feel desire. Longing. Because this existence isn't enough for me.

And perhaps with all this endless longing, I began to imagine other things. Someone, something, caressing me, warm fingers tingling me as I'm drawn into a strange embrace.

Imagination? Hallucinating? Or reality? I can't say.

Despite these new sensations......somehow, I feel as if I've lost instead of gained. Because now I long for more than those gentle embraces, I want more than just the pleasant breath against me.

It wasn't enough for me. I rather not feel at all.

I wait a few more moments. Sure enough, I'm once again lifted up with those warm fingers. I float in air for awhile, and then I am filled, filled to the full. Seconds later I'm back on my feet.

I am full, but still empty.

It's not good enough I know. I'll try again some other time (hopefully the "some other time" doesn't mean never).