Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The twist of the knife

I still had post-gala euphoria (which totally ROCKED, tell u more nxt time), when I found it. It was math period, and I was, in a way, the teacher's assistant in handing up the math exercise papers...that was all we did nowadays, cause she finished the entire syllabus last year. So I was rushing to give back all the papers she had marked and hand up the papers to her so that I can go back and do my OWN work which had been neglected for goodness knows how long.

I opened the drawer, reached in to check if I had forgotten any papers and it just slipped into my hand. A perfect fit. Manila cards, neatly cut to fit the palm of my hand, in colours of yellow and pink.

Debate cards. Debate. KGV.

Rats.

I let out a humongous sigh, the pain of it all came rushing back. I guess I haven't gotten over it. I thought I had. But the twisting pain was still there, breaking my heart. The recovery is taking longer than I thought. Why? I mean, we lost last year too, but I didn't feel this bad. In fact, I never felt this bad before.

I'm beginning to wonder whether I would ever heal.

Now I really want to go back to finish my homework. And studying has never looked so inviting.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Surrender

I suppose you know we lost in debates....

What am I suppose to say? We were the winners and everyone knew it. And I mean everyone.

So why do these things happen? Whatever happen to fairness and equality?

I suppose you could say that this is life, this is how it has always been. I should accept it, right? But I can't. I just can't.

I am depressed. I really love debating. Not just because it is an English language activity; I love what it is, the very core. The sights the air around the debate hall, the electricity when debating. I love the eloquence and the play of words, the twist of the language to beautiful and intricate knots. I love every single minute of debates; the discussions, the practices, the competitions. Debates is my first love. Why else would I pick it over drama and public speaking? Why else would I throw my entire self into it? And to know that we lost our chance of winning, for the first and last time, because of discrimination and injustice, the very things that should not be present in a debate, just breaks my heart.

To a point, it hurts too that I didn't speak at all. I never had the chance to speak for my school, for my debate team. It is sad for me because this is my last year, and I had been waiting for this one moment. I'm not a good speaker, but I do love to speak. Mind you, I'm not blaming or condemning anyone. I understand my teacher's decision on picking someone else over me, after all they were in debates longer than I was. In fact, I'm happy with her decision because they are much, much better than I could ever be. It just kind of a sad moment for me because I never had a chance, and I never will again. And again, to know that we lost, hurts more than anything. I never thought I could feel so unhappy over a defeat. But I suppose it's because it wasn't suppose to be a defeat in the first place.

I'm still depressed. In fact I find it difficult to get over it. I might never be able to. But right now I don't feel the pain so much because I'm so busy, and to a point I actually embrace that business. I don't want to face the pain and sorrow. I'm also finding it hard to forgive. let go and forget. How am I suppose to forgive something like this? How am I suppose to surrender this? I know it is better for me if I do so. In many ways, I have given up and surrendered. But I still feel the pain. Why? Isn't it suppose to go away when I give it up to God? Shouldn't God take over and take away all the pain? I struggle to be not angry over what has happened. I struggle to forgive those who have caused this pain to me. For example, when I try to listen to debate again, when I recall the things that they said, I get so angry, I stop thinking rationally. Instead of pointing out what went wrong, I look at everything else.

But now I understand. Surrendering is a process, I can't expect my emotions to disappear just like that, or my memory o be wiped out. This IS life. It is full of experiences and phases of emotions. However, when I surrender to God, when I release and let go, I'm trusting God and not myself to get me through this. And maybe now, I'm still angry, I'm still sad and hurt, but I also have the peace of God with me to help me when I am depressed about it. One day, I will be able to listen to the debate again, and not get upset.....maybe....YEARS later?? And one day, I'll truly be able to say I forgive them.....possibly years later too.

Haha, getting very theological, right? But God is everywhere, even in things like these.

Congratulations to SMK BUKIT MEWAH'S debate team, we're the TRUE WINNERS, whatever they say. You guys were really really AWESOME!! Love all of you for making debates such a great experience for me. Kudos to Ara, Melissa and Praveen, the three speakers. I love you all, and none of you screwed anything. A million thanks to Clement, who joined our team last minute. You're such a great debater; how did we survive without you?? Thanks also to Pn Poga for giving us all the help and assistance and surpport and encouragement and food and goodness knows what else. Thanks to Siva Raj (ex-debater) for all the help you gave us, you really set the foundation for our final debate....we couldn't have done it without you. Thanks to Pradeep, Shaki, Chee Jong, Carolyn, Ugen and the rest of our pals who came to surpport us on that day...deeply apprieciate it. Poor Shaki missed his badminon competition for this. I would like to apologize to my team if I said or did anything wrong, and also for not doing as much as I should have. I really tried my best, and I hope that it helped to a certain extent.

That's the end of debates 09. Future debaters, GO FORTH AND CONQUER!!!

And I need to say this, it isn't my line, but I love it anyway...
*ahem*
Siva Raj once said and I quote (and adapted):

"Tiger tiger, burning bright,
In the forest of the night,
My dear oppostion, you are putting up a poor fight,
Not to mention, you are SO NOT right!!"

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Now, to bed!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

a very late update

Haha, I promised you guys by the end of that week, didn't I? So sorry...

Anyway, I wonder what I should update on, because prefect camp is like so over, and prefect gala hasn't started...Interschool CF is so over, and the camp hasn't started...sort of like in between things now.

I think I should say a few things about prefect camp. I think it's the best prefect camp EVER!!!!! Namely because we the AJKS organized it, but trust me, it was no joke...we had more stress before the camp than during the camp. I feel that it's the best prefect camp so far because every activity had its purpose. A very clear purpose, I mean. And I'm glad we made it clear to the prefects wgat the purpose was. I'm sure previous camps had their purposes as well, but because they didn't make it so clear, it kind of felt like a meaningless torture camp. Sorry to any of the ex-AJKS reading this, but that's how I felt. Ouch.

Anyway, the biggest bummer was me losing my voice, and also the fact that some prefects decided not to come last minute. That was very painful for me. All of us did so much planning and preparation, I nearly failed my exam, and this is what they do? Come on.

Anyways, I want to thank a whole lot of ppl. Erm, the list isn't in order or anything so don't feel slighted, ok?
Shaki, nearly killed himself with his pile of work,
Hua Chiam, never respected a leader more,
Ara, your consideration for others put me to shame,
ChinChin, hah! I'm speechless...
Kee Wen, for getting the place, and for the donation
Yu-chen, for tucking me in...
Chee Jong, never seen a more intense worker
Bernard, Carmen, Mugi, Yuven, Belinda, Carol, erm erm erm......walau, never knew there were so many to thank....THANK YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH...really appreciate it.

Ok, My writing skills are horrible, this is a very lame post.....so I'm stopping now. Thanks again to all who have worked hard for the camp...you guys ROCK!!