and this is what it is

I've had it. I've tried and tried to write, but i can't, and i understand why now.

Of late I've been wondering how much i should post up here for the whole world to see. No, the CIA hasn't called me in or anything, neither has the Mafia, but I'm beginning to question how much of my private life i should make public; and how much of myself should i show. Not that I'm a mystery, mind you, but privacy is a precious thing; and sometimes some things should be kept to themselves.

More importantly is the fact that I'm not a good writer. I've been reading Alcott again, and now i understand the difference between "genius and talent", as she says. I won't deny that i may have talent, but genius i lack, and i can't write everything and anything brilliantly. I spent a trying time putting my thoughts together in written form to interest you, and I've come to the conclusion that my head is just not equipped for it. A genius could write anything well, and I'm not one. I can't write deep, philosophical stuff, and it's pointless to look like a fool when anyone else can do a better job than me.

It's rather a blow to my pride and hopes, for writing has always been a joy and i always thought that someday the pen would be my life, but it is a good lesson; and perhaps this was what i was supposed to be taught, aside from biology and mathematics. I can't be a genius; writing non-fiction doesn't suit me, so i won't be a Socrates or Plato. My stories aren't the "stuff of Shakespeare", or anywhere near Dickens and other literary heroes, so i lay my "pen of ambition" down forever.

I won't stop writing; i love it too much, and this blog won't die; for i love to hear your words of wisdom about me. But i won't go around trying to stuff my scribblings with bombastic words, neither would i try to post something about philosophy and deep thinking when I'd make a joke out of it. Simple stories suit me best, I make more sense of myself amongst fantasy and am comfortable there. If you learn something from it, so much the better, but i dare say it was your own deep thinking mind at work.

This is highly amusing and sad to me, for I've always prayed for a cure of my self-ambition and pride, and now I've got it. How can i be ambitious when i know I'm no good? It's a good step to humility, though it isn't pleasant, but by and by i suppose it will be.

This isn't the only lesson I've learnt this year, but I'm off to bury my head in mathematics, it'd be much more useful than crapping here. Another time perhaps. Sorry if this post sounds a bit hurried, but i guess i just like it all out of my system quickly, and well, i don't know what else to say; i'm feeling a bit embarrassed and stupid, actually.

All the best to SPM and STPM students! You'll get through all right, i know.