Indecisive, or cautious?

I’ve realized that I’m indecisive.

Take this as an example: I was invited out for an outing with my friends today. Most people would have given a “yes” or a “no” quite immediately. I took the whole day. Why?

My first reaction was a no, for reasons that you’d soon see below. However, I changed my mind around 10p.m. So I asked around and soon transportation wasn’t a problem. So I considered it for a bit longer, and decided I would go. Now, I turned to my parents for permission.

For those who don’t understand how my mind works (which makes all of you), I only ask for parental approval AFTER I’ve approved of it myself. For me, I feel that if I don’t want it, why ask? However, this form of decision making isn’t that effective because if my parents should disapprove, I’d be disappointed simply as I’ve already decided on going. And most of the time their immediate reaction to my disappointment is annoyance as they feel that I simply want my way. Which is true of course, but … not quite so true either as I’d felt that I’ve made a careful decision. It’s complicated.

Anyway, my parents were reluctant to approve. Scratch that. They disapproved. Scratch that again. It wasn’t parents, it was parent- my mom. My dad doesn’t really mind. But they disapprove everything the first time they hear it so…well. But in the end she approved, only because my face would be “a mile long” the next day if they didn’t. Which led me to feel annoyed because I’m not that petty. Which then led me to want to not go to prove to her that I can go around without that “a mile long” face. Which then led me to think who am I really thinking of when I make these decisions-myself? My friends? My family?

And thus here I am, at around 1 in the morning, trying to decide on whether I should go on a simple outing with friends. I made a list on why I should go for the outing:

1. It’s been awhile since I’ve been with my friends, and it’s going to be increasingly more difficult to get together next time.
2. This is different from the normal activities that I’m usually tied to (help mom, go PBS, go online, cook, sleep). I’m getting a bit tired of the mediocrity.
3. It is getting noisy in the house. I’m beginning to lose it.
4. Unlike the normal outings, we’re not going to watch a movie or such. So, not much money is going to be spent/wasted.
5. I can have the rare opportunity to buy books from MPH, and also a few gifts for birthdays that are coming. Ooh, and Mother’s day is coming up isn’t it?
6. I’m not doing the things that I want to do, so there’s really no point in staying at home saying that I would do them when I don’t. I might just be so panicky/inspired when I come back that I may actually start doing them.
7. I already have parental approval (albeit reluctantly).

To be fair, I did another list on why I shouldn’t go:

1. It actually has not been awhile since I’ve seen my friends. I saw quite a number of them during gala, and the last time we had the usual movie outing was in March. And it isn’t impossible to get together sometime in September or December or something.
2. Although it is a break from the norm, it may still be a waste of time as compared to helping mom, going PBS, going online, cook and sleep.
3. It is noisy in the house. I should try to help mom tolerate it.
4. We’re going to go Jusco, so either way money is going to be spent/wasted.
5. Buy books? When I don’t even have an allowance? Am I crazy? (ok, that was a rhetorical question)
6. I’m not doing the things that I want to do, which is EXACTLY why I should stay home and get them done, instead of blowing away another day!
7. The obtained parental approval was RELUCTANT.

It is during these frustrating hours that I just wish I didn’t join the debate team. I’m rebutting myself!

“Ok, close your eyes and pretend your parents and friends don’t exist. Which would you choose? Go or don’t go?”
“I can’t do that! My friends do exist! My parents do exist! I can’t just wipe them off! Besides, my FRIENDS invited me.”

“Fine, what would Jesus do?”

“….I don’t think He had such a petty dilemma.”

Yes, I need to get a life.

Finally, I decided to not go based on these points: “Must I go for everything my friends invite me to?” and “I do have things that I want done, even if I don’t get them done, at least I’ve once again, pathetically tried to get them done.” So I sent the host of the event an apology note to say I won’t be coming.

Then, I found that since this was such a frustrating situation, it would be somehow fun for me to post this for your entertainment.

But now, after writing this whole thing out, I’ve changed my mind yet again, based on these points: “I don’t go for everything my friends invite me to, just those that I find sensible (well, ok, not exactly sensible..we’re not the sensible type) and convenient (transport provided, no fuss involved, etc.) and “They’re friends! I helping in the chores everyday, I don’t think I should feel guilty when I take a day off to let loose” and “Again, I’m not getting what I want done anyway”. More importantly, I’ve just realized-Mothers’ Day IS next week.

Hence, the motion that this house believes that Hannah should go for her friends’ outing tomorrow is approved.

Observe, that this was just a simple decision. Now, think about the times I had to decide whether to do arts or science stream, or signing up to be a prefect (as I recall, I took a year to decide since the offer at Form 1), or deciding to go into education. Don’t you think I make life difficult for myself?

I admit, I think too much. Unfortunately, I think about the petty things more that what’s really important. But I would ponder on this some other time. Now, I need to sleep. And message the organizer once AGAIN to tell him I’m going.

Later the next morning, I decided not to go for the picnic, BUT to join them at jusco after helping out at PBS. Which pleased my mom, my friends and myself (I went on a shopping spree for books! ^^). So perhaps, this isn’t being fickle-minded, but being extremely careful and thoughtful?

Yeah right. I kid myself.

Anyway, you now have a long post about my funny life, instead of stories eh? Enjoy. I think.