Friday, September 9, 2016

Incomplete

I have many incomplete drafts of thoughts, scattered througout my phone, laptop, notebooks. some of them are even audio recordings. I haven't gotten around to editing or completing them, because I don't know how to. 
Perhaps i'm at a stage of my life where there are no complete answers; only half-finished sentences, trailing ideas, incomplete closures. 

I'm living a day-to-day survival lifestyle at this point. Ideally, I should have time to plan my week during weekends but somehow I get involved in other things. Also, always remember to add in the fact that I'm lazy. Is it possible to be passionate and procrastinating at the same time? My disillusioned brain seems to think so. 

I know I've hit a snag when I can't remember when my day ends or begins. Sometimes I like to lay awake counting the number of people who are disappointed in me. That's probably a narcissistic and paranoid thing to do, but I feel that I'm letting a lot of people down, even though it doesn't seem that way. 

When every birthday passes, I feel as if I have one new past Hannah watching me scrutinisingly. 

Perhaps I'm disappointing my many past selves the most. 

I've experienced enough to know that I won't give up, and eventually I'll adjust. Things will fall into place; life will go on, and it'll be okay. 

But still. It's frustrating to not be there now. 

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