The Dysfunctional Pilgrim

...that I have terrible work ethic. I procrastinate. That is the be all and end all of my problem. As much as I'd like to think I'm amazing and did my final year project on my own, I know I absolutely didn't. So here's my official thanks (as written in the report) and some unofficial ones (which I could not afford to put in..) Acknowledgements Before all else, praise be to my heavenly Father who through Christ has granted me the deepest of mercies and grace. I am humbled by His continuous favour with Him and with men, even when I least deserve it. Throughout these four years, I have experienced His joy in which I draw strength to do all things.   My sincerest of thanks to my supervisor, Mr. Mohammad Sidik bin Ariffin, for his kindness and graciousness to me, the procrastinator to beat all procrastinators. Your advice and encouragement have been a great reassurance to me amidst the struggle of overcoming this last hurdle of my tertiary education. I am truly appr...

Asked me what course I'm doing. When he heard TESL, he said, that's good, just don't go be like Adam Adli. I thought, ah, not another 'young people should stay out of politics' speech.  But then he explained...He had to quit his studies to fight the communists. Never managed to continue it. He seemed genuinely interested in modern technology, but he said he can't keep up anymore. So don't throw away your future, he advised. Finish your degree, then go and 'fight' if you want.  I wonder how many others have lost the opportunity to further their academic pursuit because of war, disaster, inequality, poverty. Of course success is relative and certainly not defined by a degree. Is it 'throwing away your future' or 'taking a stand'? That's up to the individual to decide. But I think we should be thankful that we are free to choose in the first place. We wanted to go to uni, and we got to. Some wanted to, but never had that cha...

I think I started being truly ambitious when I was 14. 10 years later, here I am. If my fourteen-year-old self were to meet me now, I wonder what words we would exchange. 2016. I can feel my youth slipping through my fingers. Let's go.

“And now, I'm thinking again, isn't there something we can do about something we can't do anything about?” - Edward Elric Right now, the cycle has begun again. Senseless violence. Mass killings. Tragedies upon tragedies. Then people respond: first with fear and shock. Then sadness and sympathy. Then anger. Then suspicion.  Then self-righteousness. Then judgment. A week or two later: apathy. Oh my, you say. Don’t pay attention to just Paris. Look at Palestine, look at Syria, look at this place and that place. Look at all the tragedy in the world and try and feel something and make it relate to you, even if you’re not the victim. Because if you don’t, you’re heartless and not human. Ugh.  Read the news people. People die every day. Innocents are killed, the evil murder and destroy, every day, everywhere. It’s not that all these things are happening at once on some eerie day. It’s you that has suddenly become incredibly aware that it’s happening. I’m not...

there’s a page to be filled a blank canvas waiting for words, and ideas but i say tomorrow there’s a bed to be filled a tired body waiting for rest, and sleep but i say tomorrow there’s a life to be filled a big world waiting for deeds, and me but i say maybe never there’s a hole to be filled a darkness waiting for dust, and me, and  i say maybe - Note: this was written a long time ago. I just found it again while rummaging through my stuff. 

Ahaha... that question again.  When I introduce myself, I say I play the piano, so people tend to be surprised when I'm suddenly playing the drums or guitar. Then the question comes: How many instruments, can you play, exactly? This is a common question for musicians everywhere, I believe.  I once read an answer to that question given by a better musician: Does it matter? Of course if I would sound like an obnoxious prick if I said that, but the idea is: does the number of instruments you play really matter?  I think that for some, your musicality is judged on how well you play an instrument, and the more you play the better you are. Of course discipline, hard work, technical skill, improvisation and expression are all crucial. But at the heart of it is music and whether you love it or not. If you do, you would want to pursue it in your own way.  Why do I even care about playing more than one instrument? It's not out of showing off, I assure ...

I'm not putting off blogging because I have nothing to write. If anything, it is because I have too much to write, and too little time or inspiration to edit.  My dilemma is that I constantly feel like I need to produce the best, most heartfelt post, every single time. For example, those three sentences I just wrote? I've edited it three times in less than five minutes. I may edit it more as I type along.  I have 6 posts stored away as drafts, unfinished, or finished, but not "perfect". It's making me rather pissed off at myself. I mean, if there is one place for me to produce crappy work, it should be in the toilet and here, you know? And yet my own inner critic is holding me back, afraid of making any mistakes.  I'm annoyed, because I shouldn't be afraid of making mistakes, as long as I learn from them. That's what I tell myself, my juniors, my students. And here I am, being a coward, not wanting to write, because I don't have the ri...