The Dysfunctional Pilgrim

This was written a year ago, when my final observation was done and my supervisor informed me of my performance in my practical training.  Things have changed since then. Not really, but lately, I'm ... tired.  This was meant to be personal, but I thought of sharing it here. Why? I don't really know. Hopefully others can relate. More importantly, in typing these things, I hope to make sense of myself.  10 October 2015: Beat up teacher night What a messed up teacher I am. I don't remember all my students' names. I don't know if I've made a true connection with them, or if I was just rushing through the syllabus and worrying about my own performance and FYP too much. I don't know whether I've done any good at all, and I'm sure not all of them are going to perform well during their finals. I've failed so many. I can excuse myself and say this is just my first time, I'm not even a real teacher, etc. But the fact is in these four month...

I have many incomplete drafts of thoughts, scattered througout my phone, laptop, notebooks. some of them are even audio recordings. I haven't gotten around to editing or completing them, because I don't know how to.  Perhaps i'm at a stage of my life where there are no complete answers; only half-finished sentences, trailing ideas, incomplete closures.  I'm living a day-to-day survival lifestyle at this point. Ideally, I should have time to plan my week during weekends but somehow I get involved in other things. Also, always remember to add in the fact that I'm lazy. Is it possible to be passionate and procrastinating at the same time? My disillusioned brain seems to think so.  I know I've hit a snag when I can't remember when my day ends or begins. Sometimes I like to lay awake counting the number of people who are disappointed in me. That's probably a narcissistic and paranoid thing to do, but I feel that I'm letting a lot of people down...

...that I have terrible work ethic. I procrastinate. That is the be all and end all of my problem. As much as I'd like to think I'm amazing and did my final year project on my own, I know I absolutely didn't. So here's my official thanks (as written in the report) and some unofficial ones (which I could not afford to put in..) Acknowledgements Before all else, praise be to my heavenly Father who through Christ has granted me the deepest of mercies and grace. I am humbled by His continuous favour with Him and with men, even when I least deserve it. Throughout these four years, I have experienced His joy in which I draw strength to do all things.   My sincerest of thanks to my supervisor, Mr. Mohammad Sidik bin Ariffin, for his kindness and graciousness to me, the procrastinator to beat all procrastinators. Your advice and encouragement have been a great reassurance to me amidst the struggle of overcoming this last hurdle of my tertiary education. I am truly appr...

Asked me what course I'm doing. When he heard TESL, he said, that's good, just don't go be like Adam Adli. I thought, ah, not another 'young people should stay out of politics' speech.  But then he explained...He had to quit his studies to fight the communists. Never managed to continue it. He seemed genuinely interested in modern technology, but he said he can't keep up anymore. So don't throw away your future, he advised. Finish your degree, then go and 'fight' if you want.  I wonder how many others have lost the opportunity to further their academic pursuit because of war, disaster, inequality, poverty. Of course success is relative and certainly not defined by a degree. Is it 'throwing away your future' or 'taking a stand'? That's up to the individual to decide. But I think we should be thankful that we are free to choose in the first place. We wanted to go to uni, and we got to. Some wanted to, but never had that cha...

I think I started being truly ambitious when I was 14. 10 years later, here I am. If my fourteen-year-old self were to meet me now, I wonder what words we would exchange. 2016. I can feel my youth slipping through my fingers. Let's go.

“And now, I'm thinking again, isn't there something we can do about something we can't do anything about?” - Edward Elric Right now, the cycle has begun again. Senseless violence. Mass killings. Tragedies upon tragedies. Then people respond: first with fear and shock. Then sadness and sympathy. Then anger. Then suspicion.  Then self-righteousness. Then judgment. A week or two later: apathy. Oh my, you say. Don’t pay attention to just Paris. Look at Palestine, look at Syria, look at this place and that place. Look at all the tragedy in the world and try and feel something and make it relate to you, even if you’re not the victim. Because if you don’t, you’re heartless and not human. Ugh.  Read the news people. People die every day. Innocents are killed, the evil murder and destroy, every day, everywhere. It’s not that all these things are happening at once on some eerie day. It’s you that has suddenly become incredibly aware that it’s happening. I’m not...

there’s a page to be filled a blank canvas waiting for words, and ideas but i say tomorrow there’s a bed to be filled a tired body waiting for rest, and sleep but i say tomorrow there’s a life to be filled a big world waiting for deeds, and me but i say maybe never there’s a hole to be filled a darkness waiting for dust, and me, and  i say maybe - Note: this was written a long time ago. I just found it again while rummaging through my stuff.