The Dysfunctional Pilgrim

there’s a page to be filled a blank canvas waiting for words, and ideas but i say tomorrow there’s a bed to be filled a tired body waiting for rest, and sleep but i say tomorrow there’s a life to be filled a big world waiting for deeds, and me but i say maybe never there’s a hole to be filled a darkness waiting for dust, and me, and  i say maybe - Note: this was written a long time ago. I just found it again while rummaging through my stuff. 

Ahaha... that question again.  When I introduce myself, I say I play the piano, so people tend to be surprised when I'm suddenly playing the drums or guitar. Then the question comes: How many instruments, can you play, exactly? This is a common question for musicians everywhere, I believe.  I once read an answer to that question given by a better musician: Does it matter? Of course if I would sound like an obnoxious prick if I said that, but the idea is: does the number of instruments you play really matter?  I think that for some, your musicality is judged on how well you play an instrument, and the more you play the better you are. Of course discipline, hard work, technical skill, improvisation and expression are all crucial. But at the heart of it is music and whether you love it or not. If you do, you would want to pursue it in your own way.  Why do I even care about playing more than one instrument? It's not out of showing off, I assure ...

I'm not putting off blogging because I have nothing to write. If anything, it is because I have too much to write, and too little time or inspiration to edit.  My dilemma is that I constantly feel like I need to produce the best, most heartfelt post, every single time. For example, those three sentences I just wrote? I've edited it three times in less than five minutes. I may edit it more as I type along.  I have 6 posts stored away as drafts, unfinished, or finished, but not "perfect". It's making me rather pissed off at myself. I mean, if there is one place for me to produce crappy work, it should be in the toilet and here, you know? And yet my own inner critic is holding me back, afraid of making any mistakes.  I'm annoyed, because I shouldn't be afraid of making mistakes, as long as I learn from them. That's what I tell myself, my juniors, my students. And here I am, being a coward, not wanting to write, because I don't have the ri...

I'm back, peeps, if you're still following. These are a set of poems I sent in for a poetry competition this semester. It's a set of three, but the last one was "canyons grand", which I have already posted up here, so I won't waste your time on it.  Milk The spilt milk drips  like murky white blood drops staining the brown floor and collecting black dust.        The broken glass creates icicles shattered and silver dust scattered from fallen wishing stars. Who did this? Who did this? I did this, and so did you. The milk has spilt and stars have fallen - No reason to cry for the two. Tanjung Malim, April 2015 Commentary: I wasn't very creative for this competition, due to time constrains. I wrote a rough draft of this many, many years ago, and with a pressure of a deadline, I pulled it out again and edited it. Well, when I say "edit", I mean change everything except the first line, haha.  A Haiku f...

Yes, so my opinion doesn't quite matter. I can still say it anyway. You really shouldn't expect the German team to "go easy" on Brazil. It's a competition, an international, world-renown competition that every footballer dreams of winning, mind you. So what if they're 5 goals in, there's no reason for them to stop (though of course you feel the pain of the home team and fans).  If you're there in a competition, representing your country, you had better play to win, and win amazingly, no matter how high (or low) the score is. I think so anyway. Because going easy on your opponent can change everything for the worse. So all those stupid comments on how "nazi" the Germans were, or that they still have "nazi" blood in their veins - not good, not good at all. Don't do that.  Apart from that, I think it was funny how annoyed German goalkeeper Neuer was about letting that one Brazilian goal in. It's nice to see other...

...hoo i'm back. i'm in a good mood, because i am...on hol. hurrah. let's see if i can move myself to write things.

I can feel it, that desperation when you realise every part of you is beeping, screaming "low battery!!" and you still have so much more to work on. Scratch desperation, this is panic. Contained panic, that will eventually leak out like a poisonous radiation gas and vaporize everything. I'm getting close to actually believing that I can't do this anymore. I'm not even sure what "this" is. I'm sure I had some sort of clear idea of what all this was perhaps 2 weeks ago? This is...me redoing people's work. This is...me trying to juggle too many things. This is...me making the sacrifice play. Fixing others' messes. Compensating. This is... What was all this?