The Dysfunctional Pilgrim

it's been so long since I've blogged that I forgot how to make a new post.  i am thinking of archiving this and moving my writing elsewhere. not that it matters. after all, i never gained a following here and never intended to. 

It's 2020 and the first thing that comes to mind upon reopening this blog is: "Why is the font for my blogposts so darn small???" I'm getting old and going blind, y'all. 

If sadness and fear are my friends why do I hate their companionship? If I feel empty inside why does my pulse beat so painfully?

1. It is the ache in your spine 2. It is the hollow of your ribs, when your lungs have vanished 3. It is the swell in your eyes, but not from tears 4. It is the stickiness of tears, finally falling 5. It is the blank blue of the late night 6. It is the clear grey of the early morning 7. It is the soft pulsing in your skull, not hurting but ever present 8. It is 9. It is 10. It always is

I miss my old skin; my new one stretches too thin. It itches, tearing me     apart. It Hurts. Will I get used to It, or Will I grow a New one? New Haven, March 2018 (Hello! That's my first poem since my poetry course and I don't know if I like it or not. I guess I'm experimenting meaninglessly)

Story 1: I had lent my student my copy of "Eldest", because he, in his words, "got obsessed with it". I didn't think too much of it. He came back after holidays and said "Miss, I read it like 5 TIMES I CAN'T BELIEVE *spoiler spoiler* HAPPENED. And miss, I can't stop using 'ancient language' (like 'thee' 'thyself', etc)" Ahaha kid, you're cute. You sound like me when I was your age (gosh I'm so old). We discussed some parts of the book together and I had to stop myself from chatting too long to avoid showing favoritism. I'm really grateful that I grew up in a reading environment. Having read widely, I have a small catalogue of books and authors in my head. It's easy now to figure out which book my student would like and recommend them quickly. I've been doing that for a number of my students who told me they didn't know what to read. It's almost like prescribing medicine based on what their int...

Seventeen's made a comeback. I have enjoyed their mini albums so far. There's good funky music there. Also, whoever's playing the bass in their tracks should get a raise 'cause those basslines can make a pianist convert to electric bass forever. I think what I appreciate from this group's music is their layering. There's a lot going in their tracks - chord progressions, melody lines, the vocal harmonies and ad-libs. The sound is always full. Not in this track. I find a lot of new music experimenting with the idea of space. Well, I call it space, but more accurately it's the use of silence. There's a lot of gaps in between the synth chords, a longer pause before the jump into the chorus, a drop with only light beats in the verse, before a stronger bass drum in the pre-chorus. Everything then hits a strong climax during the bridge, and that's when we can hear some of the quintessential SVT layering again. Melodies that have a back-and-...

It seems like every fortnight there is a new trend sweeping the classroom. First it was the dab, then it was bottle-flipping - I'm someone who's sensitive to sound, and the consistent but sudden smack of plastic crunching the floor tiles nearly drove me insane. Then there was that "yee" video, I have yet to be enlightened on what the joke is. I do not wish to be enlightened. I would prefer styaing in the suffering of ignorance. Somehow it moved on to rubics cubes (we're still going through that phase), and fidget spinners, fidget cubes, and now, for some ungodly reason, the librarians thought it'd be educational to sell 'slime' to the students, which of course led to the class flipping their slime, mixing it with more water to make sickly wet slime, spinning, looping it around like professional Italian pasta makers, trying to make their own prata bread and other creative functions. The problem with all these new distractions and trends that student...

I still know the address by heart, where The days were long and nights longer No matter the rush, I always had time It was almost like I could create time Back then 2am was ‘oh, still early’ There was no sleep and little rest It was okay to starve and keep running The constant chaos made sense The stress that gnawed at me At the same time fulfilled me When I bled I knew I was alive The exhausted thrill fed my drive Now I live a half-life of half-places Half-done dreams, half-begun plans A Half-hearted life between adult and child But a rudder that chooses neither left nor right is a useless one Maybe it’s because kid-me Didn’t imagine a year beyond 24 I’ve lost my way Because I’d never thought I’ll get this far This uncharted terrain overwhelms me So much so I’d rather the ship sank And I go down with it. Motivation - please find me again. I say let's just move, one simple step at a time But my head and my heart and body are split into different idea...

Lyric Translation:  The rim looks farther away today; sighs are building on top of the court The boy is afraid of reality, but his heart is at peace only when he throws the ball Throwing the ball by himself; what I’m shooting at the rim are my countless thoughts and worries I pretend to know the world but my body is still not ready Shoot, the court is my playground With my movements, a small ball bounces next to my feet The results are as low as the floor,  but I just shout out loud to the world that everything’s gonna be alright But the world gives me fear, then just stop Thoughts fill my head and instead of the ball,I throw my future Because of the other’s standard of success my worries spread like cancer again, goddamn it Along with the thrown ball, laughter starts to spread My breath rises to my chin, my dreams squirm about The dribbles get faster, my heart gets happier This moment feels like it’ll last forever but the sun is setting ...

Goosehouse is a group of singers/musicians from Japan. They have original songs but also perform covers. Usually their performances are done on via livestream, where they will talk in between their songs, which they upload in chucks after the livestream is over. Generally, all their performances are acoustic and done live. In fact, it's extremely difficult to find any studio versions of their songs online (except the ones that have recently become openings for anime shows) . They don't livestream that often, but it's pretty much a mini concert whenever they do. A good 5 or 6 songs would be performed in one go. I love how cute they are (even though the cutest looking one is like, 30 years old. Seriously, how????) , and in some ways, it's fascinating to watch them grow and improve as vocalists and musicians.  When I first started following them 4 years back, some of their vocals weren't as strong, and because they seem to be constantly picking up new instr...

I'm reminded of how Jo March in Little Women, when quizzed by Laurie about what she wanted (in the hopes that he could buy it for her) said, "Genius." I desperately want that too. More accurately, I want to become a vampire, so that I can stop sleeping. Of course, we rarely get what we want.

There's something about magical about 3:00 a.m. For some reason or other, I get epiphanies for my work around this time. There's also a surge of motivation and I am suddenly productive.  It's an odd phenomenon that I've noticed during my uni days. It's a long story of how I got into the habit of staying up, but knowing that there was a "witching hour" was one of those reasons. Suffice it to say, it led to the me being known as someone who doesn't sleep.  Unfortunately, this witching hour doesn't quite work if I wake up exactly at 3:00 a.m. I've tried that - nothing. No, I have to actually STAY up the whole way until 3:00 a.m. It's not the most healthy of habits, and lately I've stopped doing it, because I don't have a chauffeur to work.  Also, this hour is incredibly inconvenient, because as soon as I have an epiphany, my body goes, "oh wow, look at the time. That was a good opinion, brain, but let's deal w...

I do like that sentiment of burning your youth for a higher cause. I'm not quite sure what influenced it. Probably from reading stories about Hua Mulan (lost her youth to fight for her country), Joan of Arc (fought for her country and died at a young age) and other sorts. I may be working my youth away, but all I'm getting close to is an acne breakout. Haha. (this was written very briefly, so i might have more thoughts on this. the above quote is taken from BTS 'Dope'.)

This was written a year ago, when my final observation was done and my supervisor informed me of my performance in my practical training.  Things have changed since then. Not really, but lately, I'm ... tired.  This was meant to be personal, but I thought of sharing it here. Why? I don't really know. Hopefully others can relate. More importantly, in typing these things, I hope to make sense of myself.  10 October 2015: Beat up teacher night What a messed up teacher I am. I don't remember all my students' names. I don't know if I've made a true connection with them, or if I was just rushing through the syllabus and worrying about my own performance and FYP too much. I don't know whether I've done any good at all, and I'm sure not all of them are going to perform well during their finals. I've failed so many. I can excuse myself and say this is just my first time, I'm not even a real teacher, etc. But the fact is in these four month...

I have many incomplete drafts of thoughts, scattered througout my phone, laptop, notebooks. some of them are even audio recordings. I haven't gotten around to editing or completing them, because I don't know how to.  Perhaps i'm at a stage of my life where there are no complete answers; only half-finished sentences, trailing ideas, incomplete closures.  I'm living a day-to-day survival lifestyle at this point. Ideally, I should have time to plan my week during weekends but somehow I get involved in other things. Also, always remember to add in the fact that I'm lazy. Is it possible to be passionate and procrastinating at the same time? My disillusioned brain seems to think so.  I know I've hit a snag when I can't remember when my day ends or begins. Sometimes I like to lay awake counting the number of people who are disappointed in me. That's probably a narcissistic and paranoid thing to do, but I feel that I'm letting a lot of people down...

...that I have terrible work ethic. I procrastinate. That is the be all and end all of my problem. As much as I'd like to think I'm amazing and did my final year project on my own, I know I absolutely didn't. So here's my official thanks (as written in the report) and some unofficial ones (which I could not afford to put in..) Acknowledgements Before all else, praise be to my heavenly Father who through Christ has granted me the deepest of mercies and grace. I am humbled by His continuous favour with Him and with men, even when I least deserve it. Throughout these four years, I have experienced His joy in which I draw strength to do all things.   My sincerest of thanks to my supervisor, Mr. Mohammad Sidik bin Ariffin, for his kindness and graciousness to me, the procrastinator to beat all procrastinators. Your advice and encouragement have been a great reassurance to me amidst the struggle of overcoming this last hurdle of my tertiary education. I am truly appr...

Asked me what course I'm doing. When he heard TESL, he said, that's good, just don't go be like Adam Adli. I thought, ah, not another 'young people should stay out of politics' speech.  But then he explained...He had to quit his studies to fight the communists. Never managed to continue it. He seemed genuinely interested in modern technology, but he said he can't keep up anymore. So don't throw away your future, he advised. Finish your degree, then go and 'fight' if you want.  I wonder how many others have lost the opportunity to further their academic pursuit because of war, disaster, inequality, poverty. Of course success is relative and certainly not defined by a degree. Is it 'throwing away your future' or 'taking a stand'? That's up to the individual to decide. But I think we should be thankful that we are free to choose in the first place. We wanted to go to uni, and we got to. Some wanted to, but never had that cha...

I think I started being truly ambitious when I was 14. 10 years later, here I am. If my fourteen-year-old self were to meet me now, I wonder what words we would exchange. 2016. I can feel my youth slipping through my fingers. Let's go.

“And now, I'm thinking again, isn't there something we can do about something we can't do anything about?” - Edward Elric Right now, the cycle has begun again. Senseless violence. Mass killings. Tragedies upon tragedies. Then people respond: first with fear and shock. Then sadness and sympathy. Then anger. Then suspicion.  Then self-righteousness. Then judgment. A week or two later: apathy. Oh my, you say. Don’t pay attention to just Paris. Look at Palestine, look at Syria, look at this place and that place. Look at all the tragedy in the world and try and feel something and make it relate to you, even if you’re not the victim. Because if you don’t, you’re heartless and not human. Ugh.  Read the news people. People die every day. Innocents are killed, the evil murder and destroy, every day, everywhere. It’s not that all these things are happening at once on some eerie day. It’s you that has suddenly become incredibly aware that it’s happening. I’m not...