tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2871401312492174862024-03-06T13:40:19.581+08:00The Dysfunctional PilgrimK.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.comBlogger149125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-35251223953712632023-02-01T05:20:00.002+08:002023-02-01T05:20:55.083+08:00help i forgot how to blog<p>it's been so long since I've blogged that I forgot how to make a new post. </p><p>i am thinking of archiving this and moving my writing elsewhere. not that it matters. after all, i never gained a following here and never intended to. </p><p><br /></p>K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-82576405836119964862020-05-06T10:10:00.001+08:002020-05-06T10:10:14.235+08:002 Years Later<span style="font-size: large;">It's 2020 and the first thing that comes to mind upon reopening this blog is:<br /><br />"Why is the font for my blogposts so darn small???"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm getting old and going blind, y'all. </span>K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-79763576692567308842018-12-22T17:03:00.000+08:002018-12-22T17:03:10.191+08:00Procrastination #1If sadness and fear are my friends why do I hate their companionship?<br />
If I feel empty inside why does my pulse beat so painfully?<br />
<br />K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-4643232537077494512018-12-22T05:56:00.000+08:002018-12-22T05:56:01.255+08:00What is Sadness? (A list)1. It is the ache in your spine<br />
2. It is the hollow of your ribs, when your lungs have vanished<br />
3. It is the swell in your eyes, but not from tears<br />
4. It is the stickiness of tears, finally falling<br />
5. It is the blank blue of the late night<br />
6. It is the clear grey of the early morning<br />
7. It is the soft pulsing in your skull, not hurting but ever present<br />
8. It is<br />
9. It is<br />
10. It always isK.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-35524372953755371462018-07-01T03:37:00.000+08:002018-07-01T03:37:52.959+08:00Dried. Cracked.I miss my old skin;<br />
my new one stretches too thin.<br />
It itches, tearing<br />
<br />
me apart. It Hurts.<br />
Will I get used to It,<br />
or Will I grow<br />
a New one?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<i>New Haven, March 2018</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>(Hello! That's my first poem since my poetry course and I don't know if I like it or not. I guess I'm experimenting meaninglessly)</i></div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-91550418331302083322017-06-13T22:54:00.000+08:002017-06-13T22:58:25.019+08:00Short teaching stories Part 1Story 1:<br /><br />I had lent my student my copy of "Eldest", because he, in his words, "got obsessed with it". I didn't think too much of it. <br /><br />He came back after holidays and said "Miss, I read it like 5 TIMES I CAN'T BELIEVE *spoiler spoiler* HAPPENED. And miss, I can't stop using 'ancient language' (like 'thee' 'thyself', etc)" <br /><br />Ahaha kid, you're cute. You sound like me when I was your age (gosh I'm so old). <br /><br />We discussed some parts of the book together and I had to stop myself from chatting too long to avoid showing favoritism. <br /><br />I'm really grateful that I grew up in a reading environment. Having read widely, I have a small catalogue of books and authors in my head. It's easy now to figure out which book my student would like and recommend them quickly. I've been doing that for a number of my students who told me they didn't know what to read. <br /><br />It's almost like prescribing medicine based on what their interests are. <br /><br />Another student told me, "Miss, I don't know what to read."<br /><br />"What do you like?"<br /><br />"I don't know. I'm not into action or fantasy."<br /><br />"How about this?" I picked up a John Green book. "I'm not sure if it's something you'd like, it's more emotional and can be sad at times..." <br /><br />"That sounds like me, Miss."<br /><br />LOL. "Well then. Give it a try."<br /><br />The next day he told me he liked it, so far. <br /><br />For now, it's probably the one good thing I can do as their teacher. At least I'm good at something. <br /><br /><i>This is also why I once seriously considered doing library science, but you can only find that course overseas sigh. </i>K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-36139979143833876652017-06-03T17:52:00.003+08:002017-06-03T17:53:57.676+08:00Don't Wanna Cry<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/l1u4-fMdtns/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/l1u4-fMdtns?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Seventeen's made a comeback. I have enjoyed their mini albums so far. There's good funky music there. Also, whoever's playing the bass in their tracks should get a raise 'cause those basslines can make a pianist convert to electric bass forever.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think what I appreciate from this group's music is their layering. There's a lot going in their tracks - chord progressions, melody lines, the vocal harmonies and ad-libs. The sound is always full.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Not in this track.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I find a lot of new music experimenting with the idea of space. Well, I call it space, but more accurately it's the use of silence. There's a lot of gaps in between the synth chords, a longer pause before the jump into the chorus, a drop with only light beats in the verse, before a stronger bass drum in the pre-chorus. Everything then hits a strong climax during the bridge, and that's when we can hear some of the quintessential SVT layering again. Melodies that have a back-and-forth pattern, the separate drums come together to form a fuller sound, but even then, it's not as drowning as their previous title tracks.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's not entirely surprising that some might dislike this, as it's quite a leap from their previous albums. I find myself drawn to it, though. There's something about the space in the music that gives you a mixture of calm and anticipation. The choreography also has space in it too, there's a lot of footwork (their poor knees) but there's something minimalistic about it, which works.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Somehow, the whole track is very aesthetically pleasing. It's fascinating. The chords are standard, the progression isn't unpredictable (which is something they do quite often in their previous songs), but the use of space, I think, is what makes it replay-able.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have a mid-term break. And after that I'm not too sure about my future.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I feel a sense of calm and anticipation about that, too.</div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-63930245177014067232017-05-14T00:56:00.000+08:002017-05-14T00:56:52.910+08:00TrendsIt seems like every fortnight there is a new trend sweeping the classroom. First it was the dab, then it was bottle-flipping - I'm someone who's sensitive to sound, and the consistent but sudden smack of plastic crunching the floor tiles nearly drove me insane. Then there was that "yee" video, I have yet to be enlightened on what the joke is. I do not wish to be enlightened. I would prefer styaing in the suffering of ignorance.<br />
<br />
Somehow it moved on to rubics cubes (we're still going through that phase), and fidget spinners, fidget cubes, and now, for some ungodly reason, the librarians thought it'd be educational to sell 'slime' to the students, which of course led to the class flipping their slime, mixing it with more water to make sickly wet slime, spinning, looping it around like professional Italian pasta makers, trying to make their own prata bread and other creative functions.<br />
<br />
The problem with all these new distractions and trends that students go crazy with is this. Yes, it's a distraction to them and to the class. Sure.<br />
<br />
But how inconsiderate of you.<br />
<br />
Do you not realise I, your teacher, want to join the fun?<br />
<br />
I want to play with the slime.<br />
<br />
The fascinating thing that you may not know about teachers is, we are, as someone had once said before in a book I've read, "students with the cap on backwards." Meaning, we are you. We're fascinated by new things. Okay maybe not "we". It's probably just me. I don't have my life put together very well and am nowhere near being a responsible teacher, determined to get the class through a lesson.<br />
<br />
Additionally, I am a person who is, unfortunately, very attracted to these new fiddly things. I am easily distracted too.<br />
<br />
I realised how teaching is probably an awful occupation for me, when I confiscated one of the students' slime. It was very well-done - the elasticity, the texture, the colour, the craftsmanship was perfect.<br />
<br />
Guess what I was doing for the next five minutes while explaining something or other, I don't remember anymore, to the class.<br />
<br />
I was poking the slime.<br />
<br />
Yeah me, the teacher, the one in charge of the class, was minutely fiddling with the thing that was a distraction.<br />
<br />
Of course, minute actions are always the ones caught by students. This particular student called me out.<br />
<br />
"Miss, why are you touching MY slime?"<br />
<br />
Good question. I could only raise my hands and make a face.<br />
<br />
"Miss, can't we just play with our slime all day?"<br />
<br />
Yes. No. I mean, no.<br />
<br />
Youth are fascinated by the world, I guess. Teachers are supposed to show students the world, but in a more, organised way.<br />
<br />
Alas, I'm not organised.<br />
<br />
Last week I was holding everyone's fidget spinners and asking about them - what are they for, what do you do with them, how many do you have, how do they work, OH wait crap, no, wait, I'm supposed to give homework and put that away guys, put it away.<br />
<br />
Crap.<br />
<br />
During library period, I started playing Google Feud with them for a bit before I remembered they were supposed to be reading.<br />
<br />
Double crap.<br />
<br />
I may be 25 and your teacher, but that doesn't make me any less curious about the new things the world offers.<br />
<br />
Perhaps I should go be a hermit after this year ends. K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-33980837230511465882017-02-05T18:54:00.000+08:002017-02-05T18:56:55.144+08:0035900<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 15px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
I still know the address by heart, where<br />
The days were long and nights longer<br />
No matter the rush, I always had time<br />
It was almost like I could create time</div>
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Back then 2am was ‘oh, still early’<br />
There was no sleep and little rest<br />
It was okay to starve and keep running<br />
The constant chaos made sense</div>
<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-top: 15px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
The stress that gnawed at me<br />
At the same time fulfilled me<br />
When I bled I knew I was alive<br />
The exhausted thrill fed my drive</div>
<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-top: 15px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
Now I live a half-life of half-places<br />
Half-done dreams, half-begun plans<br />
A Half-hearted life between adult and child<br />
But a rudder that chooses neither left nor right is a useless one</div>
<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-top: 15px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
Maybe it’s because kid-me<br />
Didn’t imagine a year beyond 24<br />
I’ve lost my way<br />
Because I’d never thought I’ll get this far</div>
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This uncharted terrain overwhelms me<br />
So much so I’d rather the ship sank<br />
And I go down with it.</div>
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Motivation - please find me again.<br />
I say let's just move, one simple step at a time<br />
But my head and my heart and body are split into different ideals</div>
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Making it to the end of each day<br />
Is a blessing and a curse<br />
I only know to keep moving<br />
Even if I don’t know where is forward.</div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-6380463191598951552016-12-31T19:27:00.003+08:002016-12-31T19:30:51.981+08:00New Year's Eve with Intro: 화양연화 (The Most Beautiful Moment in Life)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/IW-ZUAUWgwo/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/IW-ZUAUWgwo?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Lyric Translation: </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>The rim looks farther
away today; sighs are building on top of the court<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>The boy is afraid of
reality, but his heart is at peace only when he throws the ball<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Throwing the ball by
himself; what I’m shooting at the rim are my countless thoughts and worries<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>I pretend to know the
world but my body is still not ready<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Shoot, the court is my
playground</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>With my movements, a
small ball bounces next to my feet<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>The results are as low
as the floor, </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>but I just shout out loud to the world that everything’s gonna be
alright<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>But the world gives me
fear, then just stop<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Thoughts fill my head
and instead of the ball,I throw my future<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Because of the other’s
standard of success<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>my worries spread like
cancer again, goddamn it<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Along with the thrown
ball, laughter starts to spread<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>My breath rises to my
chin, my dreams squirm about<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>The dribbles get faster,
my heart gets happier<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>This moment feels like
it’ll last forever but the sun is setting<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>When the night comes
again, reality gets destroyed<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>When I snap out of it,
I’m just a scared idiot again<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>I keep getting scared
at the looming sense of reality<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Others are running
ahead but why am I still here?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Breathe or dream<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Row the oars along
with your heartbeat<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>If you are trapped in
the other’s thin judgments<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>then the sun will set
on your life like (how it does on) a court<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>What am I doin’ with
my life?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>This moment won’t ever
come again<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>I’m asking myself
again, am I happy right now?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>The answer is already
there - I’m happy</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Lyrics adapted from
<a href="https://colorcodedlyrics.com/2015/06/bts-bangtansonyeondan-intro-in-the-mood-for-love-hwayangyeonhwa" target="_blank">Color Coded Lyrics</a></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Suga (or Min Yoongi)
has the incredible ability of shaping an entire message behind a singular
thematic colour/sound/term-that-i'm-too-amateur-to-know. I think that's the
draw for me, as someone who studied English Literature and is musically
inclined. If you take a close listen, you can hear the sound of shoes squeaking
as they would if a player is on the court, the bounce of a ball, the sound it
makes when it clangs against the rim of the net. Suga used to play basketball
in school; this is his tribute to his pastime - using it as a metaphor of his
hopes and dreams. I wouldn't be surprised if he recorded the authentic sounds
and added them as samples into this track. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(I could and would talk more about this but I think other blogs have already; also I'm on a tight schedule TT)</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I think I am deeply
drawn to the songs of BTS' rapline/hyung (older members) line, namely because
they deeply resonate the feelings a twentysomething would have <i>(or
twentysomething me has anyway)</i>. There a sense of bravado - we've worked hard to
get here, we're achieving some of our dreams, but also worry, fear, and despair
- why does it seem like our actual dreams aren't complete yet, why am I still
unsure about life, when will I actually get my sh*t together. And generally,
they end their songs on a positive note. Probably why I blast them in my car,
much to my family's chagrin (the language barrier is challenging). What can I
say, I'm a sucker for relatable songs <i>(note: not songs shoving positive messages down my throat)</i>. My fondness for spoken word also makes
me very, very intrigued by rap music - because literary-wise, we can define
rhyme and meter and other literary elements in them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Jamie Cullum's album
Twentysomething has that feel as well. I remember listening to the full album
in my late teens and only understanding some of his thoughts. Perhaps I should
revisit it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway. New Year's Eve
- I just feel Suga's song.<o:p></o:p></div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-64825340976945181082016-11-30T00:22:00.000+08:002016-11-30T00:22:02.910+08:00I miss these guys~ <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Goosehouse is a group of singers/musicians from Japan. They have original songs but also perform covers. Usually their performances are done on via livestream, where they will talk in between their songs, which they upload in chucks after the livestream is over. Generally, all their performances are acoustic and done live. In fact, it's extremely difficult to find any studio versions of their songs online <i>(except the ones that have recently become openings for anime shows)</i>.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They don't livestream that often, but it's pretty much a mini concert whenever they do. A good 5 or 6 songs would be performed in one go. I love how cute they are <i>(even though the cutest looking one is like, 30 years old. Seriously, how????)</i>, and in some ways, it's fascinating to watch them grow and improve as vocalists and musicians. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When I first started following them 4 years back, some of their vocals weren't as strong, and because they seem to be constantly picking up new instruments <i>(especially Johnny)</i>, there were times where you can tell they're an amateur at it. When Johnny first started on his violin, it sounded a bit shaky and now and then there was a scratchy note. He sounds wonderful today. For a failed violinist like me, that's inspiring. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They've moved to a bigger house, with better sound and video equipment, and sound consistently great. Most of them are slowly having their own solo or side projects with other singers, but they continue to work together. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I used to have them on autoplay while doing my work, mainly because their songs and the way they perform remind me of my old Yamaha music school days. There's a nostalgic atmosphere to them. They are also one of my inspirations to try new instruments, and to keep having fun with music. Through their covers, I've discovered quite a substantial amount of other Japanese artists, some that I've become a fan of. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Also, that melodicas are cool. I want one. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Goosehouse also has a unique fashion style - somehow what they wear looks slightly strange but it suits them. I don't think I can pull it off, but it's aesthetically pleasing to look at. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They're having a large tour around Japan this time, and recently they had their first overseas tour in Taiwan. I hope they expand to other countries, like here! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
All of this writing is just me procrastinating really. Looking back on this, I've written a horrible review for a wonderful group. =_= I sound so listless. I'm trying to learn not to edit though, so I don't want to change anything about this (I have already though....crap). Please listen to them instead; they make a better point about themselves than me. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/UBc4d0xMRDo/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/UBc4d0xMRDo?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
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K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-63066105398652398242016-11-25T04:23:00.002+08:002016-11-25T04:26:54.699+08:00Vampire bite wanted<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="bobho-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;">
<span data-offset-key="bobho-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I'm reminded of how Jo March in Little Women, when quizzed by Laurie about what she wanted (in the hopes that he could buy it for her) said, "Genius."</span><br />
<span data-offset-key="bobho-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="b32e5-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;">
<span data-offset-key="b32e5-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I desperately want that too. More accurately, I want to become a vampire, so that I can stop sleeping. </span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="6qqqe-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;">
<span data-offset-key="6qqqe-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span data-offset-key="6qqqe-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Of course, we rarely get what we want. </span></div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-11277479654869730642016-11-06T03:55:00.003+08:002016-11-06T03:55:59.842+08:00The Witching Hour<div style="text-align: justify;">
There's something about magical about 3:00 a.m.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For some reason or other, I get epiphanies for my work around this time. There's also a surge of motivation and I am suddenly productive. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's an odd phenomenon that I've noticed during my uni days. It's a long story of how I got into the habit of staying up, but knowing that there was a "witching hour" was one of those reasons. Suffice it to say, it led to the me being known as someone who doesn't sleep. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Unfortunately, this witching hour doesn't quite work if I wake up exactly at 3:00 a.m. I've tried that - nothing. No, I have to actually STAY up the whole way until 3:00 a.m. It's not the most healthy of habits, and lately I've stopped doing it, because I don't have a chauffeur to work. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Also, this hour is incredibly inconvenient, because as soon as I have an epiphany, my body goes, "oh wow, look at the time. That was a good opinion, brain, but let's deal with that in the morning. I'm bushed." Of course when morning comes, I may have forgotten. I've tried to solve that problem by writing down what I want to do, but the mojo is gone. I don't feel as motivated when dawn comes. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
To this day, I have no idea if I'm a morning person or a night owl. Maybe I'll dwell on it at another 3:00 a.m. session. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>p/s: I'm blogging frequently nowadays because I seem to be facing my work laptop a lot, and I rather not leave some microsoft word doc lying around in here. So, virtual notes. </i></div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-7593081236632435522016-11-03T23:19:00.000+08:002016-11-03T23:20:42.085+08:00"Our youth rots away, but thanks to that, we're closer to success."I do like that sentiment of burning your youth for a higher cause. I'm not quite sure what influenced it. Probably from reading stories about Hua Mulan (lost her youth to fight for her country), Joan of Arc (fought for her country and died at a young age) and other sorts.<br />
<br />
I may be working my youth away, but all I'm getting close to is an acne breakout. Haha.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>(this was written very briefly, so i might have more thoughts on this. the above quote is taken from BTS 'Dope'.)</i>K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-7420743613561421672016-10-10T23:37:00.000+08:002017-02-03T12:39:04.918+08:00Reflections<i>This was written a year ago, when my final observation was done and my supervisor informed me of my performance in my practical training. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Things have changed since then. Not really, but lately, I'm ... tired. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>This was meant to be personal, but I thought of sharing it here. Why? I don't really know. Hopefully others can relate. More importantly, in typing these things, I hope to make sense of myself. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>10 October 2015: Beat up teacher night</i><br />
<br />
What a messed up teacher I am. I don't remember all my students' names. I don't know if I've made a true connection with them, or if I was just rushing through the syllabus and worrying about my own performance and FYP too much. I don't know whether I've done any good at all, and I'm sure not all of them are going to perform well during their finals.<br />
<br />
I've failed so many.<br />
<br />
I can excuse myself and say this is just my first time, I'm not even a real teacher, etc. But the fact is in these four months I'm their influence, their connection to English. Whether I've been a positive or negative one, the impact is there. It has been made and I can't unmake it.<br />
<br />
I know I can't live with regrets for the rest of my life. I don't intend to. But I want to remember this moment - the moment when I know I've gotten an A for my practical, and it meant nothing to me. I want to strive ahead and work harder to be a better person, a better teacher, a better influence in my little bubble.<br />
<br />
It's not about the grades. It's not about me. This life was never about me. It's about others, no matter the cost.K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-57910670161121432852016-09-09T14:18:00.000+08:002016-11-03T21:51:26.921+08:00Incomplete <div>
I have many incomplete drafts of thoughts, scattered througout my phone, laptop, notebooks. some of them are even audio recordings. I haven't gotten around to editing or completing them, because I don't know how to. </div>
<div>
Perhaps i'm at a stage of my life where there are no complete answers; only half-finished sentences, trailing ideas, incomplete closures. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm living a day-to-day survival lifestyle at this point. Ideally, I should have time to plan my week during weekends but somehow I get involved in other things. Also, always remember to add in the fact that I'm lazy. Is it possible to be passionate and procrastinating at the same time? My disillusioned brain seems to think so. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I know I've hit a snag when I can't remember when my day ends or begins. Sometimes I like to lay awake counting the number of people who are disappointed in me. That's probably a narcissistic and paranoid thing to do, but I feel that I'm letting a lot of people down, even though it doesn't seem that way. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When every birthday passes, I feel as if I have one new past Hannah watching me scrutinisingly. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Perhaps I'm disappointing my many past selves the most. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've experienced enough to know that I won't give up, and eventually I'll adjust. Things will fall into place; life will go on, and it'll be okay. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But still. It's frustrating to not be there now. </div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-28994066302963682292016-06-23T23:59:00.000+08:002016-06-24T02:27:56.153+08:00It is to be acknowledged......that I have terrible work ethic. I procrastinate. That is the be all and end all of my problem.<br />
<br />
As much as I'd like to think I'm amazing and did my final year project on my own, I know I absolutely didn't. So here's my official thanks (as written in the report) and some unofficial ones (which I could not afford to put in..)<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><b>Acknowledgements</b></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Before all else,
praise be to my heavenly Father who through Christ has granted me the deepest
of mercies and grace. I am humbled by His continuous favour with Him and with
men, even when I least deserve it. Throughout these four years, I have
experienced His joy in which I draw strength to do all things.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">My sincerest of
thanks to my supervisor, Mr. Mohammad Sidik bin Ariffin, for his kindness and
graciousness to me, the procrastinator to beat all procrastinators. Your advice
and encouragement have been a great reassurance to me amidst the struggle of
overcoming this last hurdle of my tertiary education. I am truly appreciate
your consideration and care.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I cannot neglect
to thank the wonderful individuals I have met in SMK Seksyen 18, Shah Alam,
from the principal Mdm. Siti Khadijah bt Awang Seman, to our afternoon session
Mdm. Rohana bt Jaapar, and Mdm. Syarifah Elfalina Kurnia bt. Syed Sagoff, my
mentor teacher. I am indeed fortunate to have met a circle of supportive
educators who are truly sincere, dedicated and passionate about their practice,
and it has only fuelled my motivation and drive to excel in the education
sector. My thanks as well to my students who had me at their mercy, but chose
to be gracious to this newbie anyway.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">To my friends who
were willing to put up with this sometimes serious, sometimes crazy, and all
times weird individual: Lydia Wan, Lily Lim, and Chuan Teik Min. While we
certainly spent a lot of time having fun together, I also deeply enjoy the
equal amount of times we collaborated and supported one another. Special thanks
to Hii Wei Wei, the Lady Boss, and Loi Sook Mei, my procrastinating comrade. I
have learnt a lot from all of you, and I aim to surpass the high bars your
examples have set.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I save the last for
those closest to my heart. To my mother and father, thank you for teaching me
the word “perseverance” before “talented”. If there is a limit in the latter,
there is none in the former. To my brothers, who worry and tease me; I am not
sure why you should be on this list, but I guess family ties do not have to
make sense. And to Darren, my kindred spirit, who lights up the late nights. I
love all of you deeply.</span></blockquote>
<br />
And the unofficial thanks: I owe a lot of my motivation to ONE OK ROCK, specifically their 2014 Mighty Long Fall concert at Yokohama Stadium. Nothing is better than sitting down and typing to the sounds of a 2 hour long concert. It sounds too good for me to be distracted by toilet breaks or other things that need me to get up. It was also a great way to gauge my work time. In all seriousness, this whole concert helped to get me typing more than anything.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAwc_R3gswo" target="_blank">Here's the concert if you have 2 hours to spare..</a><br />
<br />
Also, a final note after reflecting on my experience doing this research: Anything looks good in a hard cover.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmub8G5K49-zJwtnBbRfwl7KYoffPALYKMsjnhU5x9rLsYV4YPbkVyn1I7pRq38vJrQJfgOe_kAQ56GnicXMI7Jtij0PPR3d2EtzpqMyihQRLkgAszg72G7LXgUP11hNnOkMVkcySS52UF/s1600/IMG_20160623_113155.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmub8G5K49-zJwtnBbRfwl7KYoffPALYKMsjnhU5x9rLsYV4YPbkVyn1I7pRq38vJrQJfgOe_kAQ56GnicXMI7Jtij0PPR3d2EtzpqMyihQRLkgAszg72G7LXgUP11hNnOkMVkcySS52UF/s320/IMG_20160623_113155.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b>look at that shine. much professional. many clever. wowe. </b></div>
<br />
How do I put it without sounding arrogant or overtly humble or ...trying to seek for praise? hmm. Well, I did put effort into that report there. I think I certainly wrote as well as I could have, and I tried to be as true to the data I gathered as possible. However, I'm also incredibly aware that this work....isn't ...phenomenal.<br />
<br />
Of course, how can it be? Between juggling teaching in a school for the first time, dealing with other school activities, how can I actually be capable of producing a noteworthy study at my first try? No to the way. Not me anyway. Add to that the haze holidays, the school's change of schedules for other events, my own inexperience in doing any form of practical research (no Hannah, that Form 6 research...kinda helped, but doesn't count). So that work bound with a hard cover and printed with beautiful gold letters isn't fantastic. I know that research-wise, it'd be a laughing-stock. Heck, I laugh at it sometimes (and then cry).<br />
<br />
This understanding has led me to a decision. I know many expect me to naturally head to doing a masters, and I can see why. It's just a Thing-To-Do these days, isn't it? A degree doesn't cut it anymore.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, I'm also here to acknowledge that I don't see myself doing masters right away. Not after this experience.<br />
<br />
I just can't bring myself half-assing another research again. I want to do it properly next time. And for that to happen, I need experience. I need to actually know what it takes to teach. Not just grades on a piece of paper, or dean's list certs.<br />
<br />
Teaching isn't defined by those.<br />
<br />
If there's one thing I've found out in university (and I'm phrasing this very briefly here, because I think this is a whole other issue for another time), is that you can get away with many things if you're slightly well-read, and slightly more fluent in your language. I know many are impressed by my command in English, but for me, it's natural. I've been speaking English all my life at home, interacting in mainly English all my days. English is my first language. Add my bookworm household, my minuscule debate training and my googling past-time, and anything can sound somewhat good from my mouth.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>look at this girl. many cray. much silly. genius? nopes. nopity-nope. </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
I know myself though. And I know I'm having things way too easy. Way, way, too easy. I can see this when I look at my other brothers struggle in private institutes (one in Singapore, MAN THAT PLACE is a pressure cooker). I can see it when I interact with people from other countries and they tell me about the stuff they're doing (at a much younger age). I'm too sheltered, too pampered. The real world will chew me up and spit me out. Teach? what do i know.<br />
<br />
Errrrrrr....where was I going with this? I had a point.<br />
<br />
The only master programme I feel confident doing right now is literature. The question is, do I really need to do a masters in that? For what? Self-gratification probably. For an education one though, I need to try my hand at teaching first. Properly. So that I can find a proper topic to research on.<br />
<br />
Basically, I've been thinking a lot about this quote, from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="line-height: 18.656px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">'George,' said Fred, 'I think we've outgrown full-time education.</span></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="line-height: 18.656px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">'</span></span><span style="line-height: 18.656px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">'Yeah, I've been feeling that way myself,' said George lightly.</span></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="line-height: 18.656px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">'Time to test our talents in the real world, d' you reckon?' asked Fred.</span></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="line-height: 18.656px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">'Definitely,' said George.</span></span></blockquote>
I feel that way myself. Except I know I will be having a harder time than the twins. Haih. Hopefully I can balance it as well as I can balance that report on my head.K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-58614269826516662382016-04-06T00:11:00.000+08:002016-04-06T00:16:00.638+08:00Stopped by a security guard<div style="text-align: justify;">
Asked me what course I'm doing. When he heard TESL, he said, that's good, just don't go be like Adam Adli. I thought, <i>ah, not another 'young people should stay out of politics' speech. </i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But then he explained...He had to quit his studies to fight the communists. Never managed to continue it. He seemed genuinely interested in modern technology, but he said he can't keep up anymore. <i>So don't throw away your future, </i>he advised. <i>Finish your degree, then go and 'fight' if you want. </i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wonder how many others have lost the opportunity to further their academic pursuit because of war, disaster, inequality, poverty. Of course success is relative and certainly not defined by a degree. Is it 'throwing away your future' or 'taking a stand'? That's up to the individual to decide. But I think we should be thankful that we are free to choose in the first place. We wanted to go to uni, and we got to. Some wanted to, but never had that chance. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm not saying be thankful and then turn a blind eye on wrongdoing though. It's more like, be thankful, and then try to pay it forward. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>p/s: i HATE short blogposts!!!! i feel so bad writing such a lil piece. but i said i would stop trying to edit myself all the time, right? so this is it. i'm also trying to not clog my facebook with long statuses. </i></div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-43605269053050374402016-01-06T23:56:00.001+08:002016-01-06T23:56:10.476+08:002016I think I started being truly ambitious when I was 14.<br />
<br />
10 years later, here I am.<br />
<br />
If my fourteen-year-old self were to meet me now, I wonder what words we would exchange.<br />
<br />
2016. I can feel my youth slipping through my fingers.<br />
<br />
Let's go.K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-23939061623360348192015-11-15T23:10:00.000+08:002015-11-15T23:19:47.559+08:00I have read too much Hiromu Arakawa (A selfish post on tragedy)<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">“And now, I'm thinking again, isn't there something we can do about something we can't do anything about?” - Edward Elric</span></span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Right now,
the cycle has begun again. Senseless violence. Mass killings. Tragedies upon
tragedies. Then people respond: first with fear and shock. Then sadness and sympathy.
Then anger. Then suspicion. </span>Then self-righteousness. Then judgment. A week or
two later: apathy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>Oh my, </i>you
say. <i>Don’t pay attention to just Paris. </i>Look at Palestine, look at Syria, look
at this place and that place. Look at all the tragedy in the world and try and
feel something and make it relate to you, even if you’re not the victim.
Because if you don’t, you’re heartless and not human. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Ugh. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Read the
news people. People die every day. Innocents are killed, the evil murder and destroy,
every day, everywhere. It’s not that all these things are happening at once on
some eerie day. It’s you that has suddenly become incredibly aware that it’s
happening.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m not
saying you shouldn’t feel sad. Or angry. Or afraid or hurt or shocked or numb
or sorry. You are human. There will be emotions that you will feel and thoughts that you will
think of. That’s how humans work. We respond to the world around us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m saying,
don’t shut off your awareness after a week. Don’t shut off this response once
you’ve posted a status on it, or changed your profile picture to whatever you
want to show solidarity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Don’t shut
off the awareness that we need to do something, that we need to start being
part of the solution. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Stop praying
for a hero or a solution. God has placed us here. What are YOU doing?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>But,</i> you
say, <i>I don’t live in Paris. Or in Beirut. Or Japan. Or – </i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Stop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Didn’t I just
say it’s happening everywhere? People are suffering everywhere. That includes
<i>where you live</i>. That includes the people around you: at work, at school, at
home, etc. Whether you like them or not, they are humans. And all of us, one
way or the other, need help. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Be the
solution for them. Be kind, be generous, be loving. Go all out, even for those
you dislike or afraid of. Stand on your own two feet and use your own two hands
to reach out to others. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m not
saying it’s easy. I’m not saying it’s pleasant. But it’s something you can do.
We all want the world to be a better place. We all also acknowledge that we’re
small, helpless humans. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">But if all
of us helpless humans moved our weak hands together…wouldn’t that be better
than nothing?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">And the
first pair of hands and feet that you can move, are yours. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">“Stand up and walk. Move forward.” - Edward Elric</span></span></blockquote>
To all who suffer: ... it's difficult to find anything suitable to say, but...<br />
<br />
<b>Stay strong.</b>K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-44087039918082922762015-09-28T23:28:00.001+08:002015-09-28T23:32:51.315+08:00waiting<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">there’s a page to be filled</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">a blank canvas waiting</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">for words, and ideas but</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">i say tomorrow</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">there’s a bed to be filled</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">a tired body waiting</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">for rest, and sleep but</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">i say tomorrow</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">there’s a life to be filled</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">a big world waiting</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">for deeds, and me but</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">i say maybe never</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">there’s a hole to be filled</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">a darkness waiting</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">for dust, and me, and </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">i say maybe -</span></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 35.25pt;">
<br />
<i>Note: this was written a long time ago. I just found it again while rummaging through my stuff. </i></div>
</div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-9055236501822525742015-07-18T17:10:00.000+08:002015-07-18T17:34:51.961+08:00"How many instruments can you play?" <div style="text-align: justify;">
Ahaha...<i>that </i>question again. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When I introduce myself, I say I play the piano, so people tend to be surprised when I'm suddenly playing the drums or guitar. Then the question comes: How many instruments, can you play, exactly?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is a common question for musicians everywhere, I believe. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I once read an answer to that question given by a better musician: Does it matter?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Of course if I would sound like an obnoxious prick if I said that, but the idea is: does the number of instruments you play really matter? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think that for some, your musicality is judged on how well you play an instrument, and the more you play the better you are. Of course discipline, hard work, technical skill, improvisation and expression are all crucial. But at the heart of it is music and whether you love it or not. If you do, you would want to pursue it in your own way. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Why do I even care about playing more than one instrument? It's not out of showing off, I assure you. I think over the years, musicians all over the world have taught me that there can be no showing off in music. You know how to play 15 instruments like an expert? Just you wait, there will be someone younger than you who would have mastered 20. You started to compose music when you were 13? That's great, but this kid who's like 4 years old has been doing that for awhile now. You learnt how to play the piano by ear? Psssshhhhhhhh that's the most common thing out there, okay? There is no way you can stay proud for long in music. You learn to admire everyone and be happy with what skill you have. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4w8GhTfZRPLqvEILmevcG9DPq1jJrhZXMfKj-ixGBvOzuXo55u4u5u1GokhtnD82Z2o-Tl1EeeILvf0zH6SCVSv3xkWYTVy-dTK4EQdG0qTU-2HLLFi-v7YVC0F0qrUFsnfHoz5Cpn333/s1600/piano+boy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4w8GhTfZRPLqvEILmevcG9DPq1jJrhZXMfKj-ixGBvOzuXo55u4u5u1GokhtnD82Z2o-Tl1EeeILvf0zH6SCVSv3xkWYTVy-dTK4EQdG0qTU-2HLLFi-v7YVC0F0qrUFsnfHoz5Cpn333/s400/piano+boy.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Google "piano boy youtube" and tell me you won't find something that makes you slam your </i><br />
<i>head </i><i style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">on your piano and cry. </i><i style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">I DARE YOU. </i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Is it out of interest? Yes and no. Most of the time, I don't even know how interested I would be or not be in it. Example: I hadn't touched the drums for easily 10 years (stopped after a short lesson from my cousin when I was ....7?), but in uni, out of necessity, I became a drummer a number of times, and somehow it just grew on me. I don't consider myself a drummer, or guitarist. I only "dabble" in them, though if I had the proper budget for classes and equipment I would like to take them seriously. I dabbled in violin for awhile too, and if I could do it again (minus the traumatizing experience), I would. I have dreams of trying out a wind instrument, and I sometimes window-shop online for melodicas.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But why all these interests? It's not like I'm even doing a music degree or planning for a musical career, right? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Mmmm, how to explain this? Well, in brief: I love music, and I want to explore as much as I can in my life. It's not about earning money, or being famous, it is about me enjoying this beautiful thing that is here on this earth. If I can help others through my playing of any instrument, all the better, but I'm not doing it for them, per se. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The piano is my go-to instrument to express myself best, but if there is no piano around, I'll find something and make music in some way. Because I'm a musician first, and there should be no limits to what you <i>can</i> play, just what you want to. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So how many instruments can I play? In all honesty, and with greatest humility, it really doesn't matter.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Music is music is music. Just enjoy it. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-9935074686872940172015-07-18T17:08:00.000+08:002015-07-18T17:09:18.737+08:00Letting the tap flow<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm not putting off blogging because I have nothing to write. If anything, it is because I have too much to write, and too little time or inspiration to edit. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My dilemma is that I constantly feel like I need to produce the best, most heartfelt post, every single time. For example, those three sentences I just wrote? I've edited it three times in less than five minutes. I may edit it more as I type along. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have 6 posts stored away as drafts, unfinished, or finished, but not "perfect". It's making me rather pissed off at myself. I mean, if there is one place for me to produce crappy work, it should be in the toilet and here, you know? And yet my own inner critic is holding me back, afraid of making any mistakes. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm annoyed, because I shouldn't be afraid of making mistakes, as long as I learn from them. That's what I tell myself, my juniors, my students. And here I am, being a coward, not wanting to write, because I don't have the right words, the right plot, the right timing, situation, topic, etc etc. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Screw that, I tell myself. It's high time to take my own advice. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've been trying to read up tips on writing, on doing things, and the only advice I get is to do it. Do it, suck at it, learn from what made it suck, and do it again. Let the clogged tap flow and let all the muck and sewage out, and eventually, we might hit clean water. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So, I'm locking away my screaming inner critic. That voice in my head that tells me everything I do will never be good enough. I'm putting her in house arrest (or brain arrest). And I'm just going to crap. Every post that comes out now, will be a draft. It will never be in the perfect standard that I imagine it would be, because that standard, that place, is imaginary, and I'm never going to achieve it. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But if I take the first few steps to get on writing, maybe I'll find something. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>I've edited this post 4 times now. I'm a chronic editor. Hence the need for this new mission. </i></div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-29640485891963806382015-06-16T23:43:00.002+08:002015-07-18T17:09:45.028+08:00Production<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">I'm back, peeps, if you're still following. These are a set of poems I sent in for a poetry competition this semester. It's a set of three, but the last one was "canyons grand", which I have already posted up here, so I won't waste your time on it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>Milk</u></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">The spilt milk
drips </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">
like murky white blood drops<br />
staining the brown floor<br />
and collecting black dust. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">The broken glass
<br />
creates icicles shattered <br />
and silver dust scattered<br />
from fallen wishing stars.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Who did this?
Who did this?<br />
I did this, and so did you. <br />
The milk has spilt and stars have fallen - <br />
No reason to cry for the two. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Tanjung Malim, April 2015<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Commentary: I wasn't very creative for this competition, due to time constrains. I wrote a rough draft of this many, many years ago, and with a pressure of a deadline, I pulled it out again and edited it. Well, when I say "edit", I mean change everything except the first line, haha. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">A Haiku for Distance<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">As our two
clocks turn<br />
both in the same direction<br />
we still move in two.</span><br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"> <b><u><o:p></o:p></u></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I wish for a
time <br />
when we only need one clock<br />
and we can stay still.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Tanjung Malim, April 2015<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 17.1200008392334px;">Commentary: I always had a fascination of haikus, and how they can compact so much meaning in such a tight, structured situation. This was scribbled hastily just a few minutes before the deadline. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 17.1200008392334px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 17.1200008392334px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 17.1200008392334px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 17.1200008392334px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 17.1200008392334px;">In conclusion, deadlines fuel my productions, like any other procrastinator. Oh well. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 17.1200008392334px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hopefully, I'll be writing more in this short window of free time. Toodles. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
p/s: oh, I won the competition...=] got a 8GB pendrive, which is great, because I was about to buy one. Hurray for free stuff! </div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287140131249217486.post-50357368004556847682014-07-10T01:15:00.003+08:002014-07-10T01:15:40.837+08:00But I'm not a football fan!Yes, so my opinion doesn't quite matter. I can still say it anyway.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
You really shouldn't expect the German team to "go easy" on Brazil. It's a competition, an international, world-renown competition that every footballer dreams of winning, mind you. So what if they're 5 goals in, there's no reason for them to stop (though of course you feel the pain of the home team and fans). </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
If you're there in a competition, representing your country, you had better play to win, and win amazingly, no matter how high (or low) the score is. I think so anyway. Because going easy on your opponent can change everything for the worse. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So all those stupid comments on how "nazi" the Germans were, or that they still have "nazi" blood in their veins - not good, not good at all. Don't do that. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Apart from that, I think it was funny how annoyed German goalkeeper Neuer was about letting that one Brazilian goal in. It's nice to see other perfectionists out there; I would have been completely furious with myself too. </div>
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It's a crazy thing, but I get why he would want a clean sheet for that match. For any match really, but especially that one. </div>
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I seem to have a thing for liking German goalkeepers. I enjoyed watching Oliver Kahn during his previous World Cup exploits too. </div>
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And that's all the football commentary you will get from me, I'm afraid. Toodles~</div>
K.P. Fernhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07503136898618202059noreply@blogger.com0